This lesson is specifically about breaking a boy. It’s one of the more complex aspects of being a Dominant because it involves a great deal of soft touch subtle guidance, understanding and patience.
Breaking a boy:
By far one of the most important things that a Daddy can do is to ‘break’ his boy. I don’t mean the brutish crushing of independence, willpower or self esteem; I mean the process of disarming psychological ‘baggage’ that prevents him from becoming his true self and learning to express those things without shame or fear or guilt. This may sound like a lot of poetic hokum but it is a very real process of Prime Submission of a boy to his basic needs as a submissive.Being a boy isn’t just a hat you put on when it’s time to go out on the weekend. It’s in integral part of the internal reality of someone who feels like they are a ‘boy’. There is something deeply fulfilling for them in this kind of ‘play’ but most often there is an excessive amount of misplaced guilt and shame from toxic masculinity and warped sense of roles. Those things are not the fault of the boy himself, but of the world we live in which oppresses satisfaction in general and especially in sex.
To explain the importance of submission to a ‘boy’ I want you to think of it as having a sex organ that you cannot touch but can interact with. It’s deeper than his ‘head space’ as a submissive because it’s found at the core of his being rather than as an image in his mind. When breaking a boy he will always learn something about himself that he’d never thought of before and part of what you (as a Daddy) do is to prevent him from developing deeper shame or guilt when he discovers those things. You help him transition from curiosity to want to need because those elements he’s discovering are vital parts of his ‘psyche’ and his sexual world.
The Process of Breaking.
What is “Breaking” and why would you do it?Breaking is the intensive and intimate experience of having someone who nurtures and shelters the innermost self of a boy and allows him to step out of his shell naked and unashamed of himself. It’s a form of counter-programming and deprogramming. Think of it like reverse brainwashing where the boy is a victim of cult abuse and you help him begin to cut himself free from those beliefs they instilled in him by providing safe space and an alternative to those things.
You don’t remove those things, that would be disastrous, so instead you offer choice by putting him at odds with his growing understanding of his desires and the repression he’s breaking free from. It’s more a motivator than a force at work that you’re providing. Much like bait trap hunting, you place something he wishes for just outside his shell and reward his success with appreciation and approval but you also do not punish failure. That will happen, a lot, during the process and since you’re fighting against negative ideas about himself, you need to avoid adding any to the pile.
The central and crucial part of breaking is known as establishing a locus of control, which is a fancy way of saying ‘I make my own decisions’, and it is critical that Daddy NOT be the center of this action because then anything he gains can be lost if anything changes in your relationship. The point of breaking is to make him the primary ‘actor’ in his internal world, not let him pin all the good things on you. That backfires brutally every time.
The goal should be to put all the power in his life back in his hands and instill the confidence to make his own choice. I frequently mention the use of conflict between desire and fear, and in using that you can encourage change without directing it which is crucial to establish that locus of control and secure it within his safe space within him. Then and only then can he truly be free of the things that plague us all and be in a position to reach for his desires without fear or shame.
A boy starts with several things almost universally: a sense of shame over his basic sexuality which is only amplified by this sense of needing something in the Domination and submission fetish lifestyle. This is made even worse by the common desire for the stereotype of the “Daddy” being an older male. Before you’ve even said hello to each other, all three of these have made a subtle appearance behind the scenes.They cause a ‘dissonance’ between the ‘boy’ he feels he is inside and the toxic imagery of ‘man’ he’s supposed to be according to other people who have had influence in his life.
Think of it like having three white noise generators in your head. They may make things seem ‘normal’ but in reality they are silencing the inner discussion that should be going on. They make it hard to think, speak or act when what you do causes them to activate which happens anytime you being moving towards this kind of realization. So, as the Daddy, you have to find some way to help him move away from those noises into the quiet space you can create for him that will allow him to finally get to know himself.
These problematic influences very commonly get in the way and inhibit even his ability to ‘take that step’ and make contact at all. It takes a lot of effort to learn to overcome those things on your own, but one thing a Daddy can do is provide a reason to. The same is true of every kind of relationship, but within the context of the Dom/sub world we can do so directly rather than strictly passively even though we do that as well by being an ‘idea’ they yearn for.
But why break a boy? Simply put, the primary reason one breaks a boy is because in order for him to truly submit he must be in control of himself and the only way to do that is by removing the inhibitions that have been placed on him by society, religion and even past experience. Everyone carries around some form of baggage like this but by breaking a boy you are, in reality, breaking him free from their control over him and giving him the true choice of what to do with his desire and how to express his nature. By drawing on his instinct to avoid pain and reach for pleasure you can encourage him to make the choice himself to be less afraid of those things and eventually abandon those negative thought patterns about himself.
You can’t truly make a boy submissive, you can only make him passive, but even that has it’s limits no matter how far you push that kind of abuse. Being submissive is a part of his inner nature and, like his sexuality, when suppressed often leads to depression or at least dissatisfaction with his sexual identity. What you can do, as a Daddy, is help him identify, explore and express those parts of himself that have been repressed while beginning to embrace the kinds of pleasure he truly needs. That’s where breaking comes into play.
How do you break a boy?
There are several approaches you can take to this process, but all of them (and ALL of this lesson) come with strong words of caution: do not undertake this casually. While there is a ‘simple’ level where you make him choose obedience over reticence, even that can have strong effects on his psyche. You don’t want to ruin a boy when your goal is to help him know himself so he may decide to submit to you or not. You have to accept that this is not about you, nor is it about what you want as a Daddy. Your intention and goal has to remain his empowerment and liberation.
Not everyone has the long time to work at this and it may not be needed with every boy either. Outlined below are several methods you can use in any situation, from the weekend play dates to the full time relationships. The trick is figuring out the combination and the nuance in application to make it effective with the time you have together.
For the ‘casual’ (read: on occasion) time together, using the starer methods may prove more useful but for a long term one I prefer taking baby steps even with experienced boys. The following will be described in terms of a ‘session’ on a date but they can be applied to daily life just as easily and should be employed in a persistent relationship that has this as part of it.
As I mentioned previously, as a Daddy you can provide an active conflict between what he desires and the negative self impressions he has that put him at odds with those things. Without pushing, you put his fear at odds with his desire and give him the ‘space’ to sort out his decision. A Daddy is a patient gardener, helping tend the soil, provide water and gentle light while weeding out the bad things that try to grow along side his boy.
To begin this process you need to create safe space which can be a challenge depending on the time you two have available and how easy it is to draw the line between ‘outside’ and ‘inside’ worlds. You want to keep outside OUT of the experience when he is in your care. What matters is that there is consistency and a sense of the difference for him. Some ways you can do this would be things like:
1 Set rules about clothing in your ‘space’ together. This can be as simple as a ‘ritualized’ action like taking off your shoes upon entering so long as you clearly state to him that “The outside world stays with your shoes. None of that comes with you in here”. Use your authority to draw the boundaries between the two worlds and don’t waver on them or let it slip. If he needs to talk, let him but reinforce that the shoes are off. If you are taking a gradual approach, start small like this and don’t just jump into being ‘naked’ that can be a bit shocking but eventually that may be a valid step toward the goal.
2: Continue to delineate between the two worlds. A change of language used that specific environment can be very useful as well. In the home space it’s “Daddy” for you and boy/son (etc) as you two see fit. The language used is another tool to create that ‘fantasy’ element he’s after as much as you are so use it as such and it can help get him into the right ‘head space’.
3: Ritualized bathing. Shoes off, language changed and before any other activity (perhaps even before really speaking to each other at first) escort him to the bathroom and either help bathe him (this can be very effective) or wait patiently for him to have cleaned the outside world off him. Make sure he knows the why of this, that you want him to not have that world clinging to him when you are together.
4: Special clothing/gear or nothing at all. Here’s where you can emphasize the role play by having a set of special clothing for him to change into. Ideally it’s something he either already feels sexy in or wears nothing at all once he is dried. Baby steps would be the gear, bigger steps (and an eventual goal) is to have it make no difference to how he feels between dressed and nude.
5: Set the scene. If your play involves BDSM, lay out all the toys you want available and display them. You may give him the choice, but the selection is yours to choose. What matters most is that the space between the entrance where his shoes are, to the bathroom where he washed off the world to the bedroom where the ‘future’ waits needs to be a transition for him. You’re giving him time to decompress and let go before jumping into play.
6: Maintain explicit and consistent check in methods and check out methods during the session. Have both hand gestures and vocal safe words, confirm his understanding of them and ensure he knows you are serious about their use. Be prepared for them and use the time after them even more carefully. That’s when you actually have the chance to prove your intentions and care for him even more than the previous steps.
It shows him how you will be when he hurts or is frightened. Don’t waste it. Try to keep it from getting there by using predetermined phrases that he will know are his chance to object or stop events without using the safe words/signals. Things like “You like that boy?” or ‘That feel good baby?” are pretty standard and easy to use but the important part is they are both check in with him and his chance to check out if things are going badly for him.
7: Aftercare. I cannot emphasize the value of aftercare in breaking a boy. Yes play can be rough, both physically and mentally demanding, but it should never preclude taking care of him afterward. There are a lot of ways that you can do this but the most important will be physical intimacy and a sense of comfort provided by you. Do not let the ‘scene’ end and leave him alone unless it is explicitly part of a dynamic ‘punishment’ session but even then you do so after the aftercare is done. Talk with him, cuddle, stroke his head or just hold him for a while before anything else happens. Time out is a cool down but shouldn’t really be used in aftercare if your goal is to break him.
These are just some examples of ways to interject the mental division between the two worlds during time with a boy. The need for them varies between instances and boys just as much as anything else does so it’s best to avoid too much rigidity and allow room to adjust and fine tune.
The biggest component is consistent repetition. You are employing the same conditioning tools others would use to do harm, but you are using them to instead empower him by creating the opposite of an abusive situation when you are together. You’re creating an explicitly supportive environment free of any need to have shame, guilt or be embarrassed that isn’t part of the type of play you two engage in. You do this by creating ‘challenges’ ,in addition to the previously mentioned steps, which will be detailed in a later installment.
Final Thoughts on the basics of Breaking a boy:
There are many relationships for whom the previous wouldn’t really help in breaking a boy but even in ones that center on shame, humiliation and similar can employ the concepts here to create that kind of safe space where he can express himself without fear at the very least. Some thrive on that kind of adversarial influence from a Daddy but even they need a controlled environment to engage in this safely.
The illustrations in this lesson are designed as a basic way of understand how this process works. They are the primary tools, but not the only ones you will have as in future installments I’ll discuss behavior shaping, goal setting, reward/punishment systems and more in greater detail.
To put this in an ‘easy to remember’ formula:
Consistency, Repetition, Control, and Conflict.
What you do has to be a dependable factor in your time together.These habits form a barrier between outside and inside worlds.
Remain in control of the ‘environment’ and set the stage.
Existing dissonance will be broken through patience and an application of choice/reward scenarios that put him in direct conflict with his beliefs about himself.
No comments:
Post a Comment