This lesson is in response to a question posted which asks if a Dom/sub can be friends, respect each other outside of play, and have some sense of continuity while play (as we do it) exists in that context. To answer that question you need a bit of a basis for comparing relationships and the nature of power exchange within the Dom/sub spectrum of BDSM relationships.
Expectations and preconceptions of “Dom”, sub, and what falls under those umbrella terms.
A Dom is any figure in a relationship in which you give power to through submission to their instruction. That is a HUGE category and can cross just about every demographic line in encompassing its meaning and that is a lot of individual varieties to be lumped in quite so prejudicially. The way then to dismantle that is to untangle the idea of “Dom” and ‘sub’.There is a spectrum from 0 to 100 on two axes that can be used to describe varieties of’ ‘D/s’ relationships as well as levels of BDSM play and the Doms you find in those niches. In this illustration the y axis represents the level of power exchange (the power given to the Dom by the submissive) and x is the level of ‘individuality’ of the submissive and how the Dom treats them in the context of the relationship. Confused yet? Good. This is a complicated world we live in and there really isn’t a good way to illustrate it without using diagrams.
Beta/Boy - A Beta’s primary motivation is respect. A beta will often say to himself “is this person worthy of my submission?” He takes a great deal of pride in his submission. He prefers that he feel respected and protected by his Alpha/Dom/Sir. That respect is central to who he is. Betas draw confidence from the one they serve and are often personally bettered by serving one they deem fit to serve. Their submission is a strength for them because they feel like a better stronger person by giving up their strength to someone worthy of it. Beta’s often seek out Alphas who exhibit strengths where they have weaknesses or who look like they wish they could be.
Beta: “I submit because i am strong, not because i am weak.”
Omega - An omega’s motivating factor is to be treated as “below” others. An omega wants to be at the bottom of any established pecking order. He desires to be made to feel that he is rarely (if ever) considered. Whether that consideration be his feelings, his well being, or his needs. His NEED is simply to be used and then ignored. He enjoys being used in absolutely any way he can. (Note: it is abuse to completely disregard another person’s needs and well being even when they ask for it. Don’t do that. Be a responsible dominant.)
Omega: “I submit because i am weak and you are stronger/superior.”
Most ‘standard’ BDSM and D/s relationships are found in the +/- 50% range. This is where your stereotypical ‘Dom’ and ‘sub’ relationships are located. Out at the 100% power exchange and 100% domination/submission point (-100,-100) you find objectification play at it’s extreme level. This is where the Omega classification of submissive comes into play and unsettlingly resembles abuse to the ‘outsider’. The alternate end of the spectrum at +100,+100 would be your D/s that’s focused on a mutual exchange of respect that comes with that submission and herein lies the ‘beta’ boy.
Kink/fetish play is found everywhere in this concept but the more the focus falls on de-’humanizing’ the further to the left it is. This includes things like ABDL and Pup play where the maturity and responsibility diminishes and beyond that you have the pure object/omega submission. The further to the right lies your beta submissives: boy/son. My work focuses on the right hand spectrum so I (primarily) speak from that perspective. I know that from other ‘types’ of Dom you will hear a similar response when it comes to the value of a sub/beta/omega (yes even omega).
Understanding this is important because it addresses the level of ‘active’ communication permitted during playtime. Along the entire spectrum, no matter where you are or what you do, the submissive retains the Safeword to end play that goes too far and the Dom then applies the requisite aftercare immediately as determined by their mutual consent and understanding.
For many omegas the ‘hate’ sex, the degrading nature of language and blatant ignoring of the fact they are a human being is required to satisfy their innermost desires. They often need to feel like their life is completely in the hands of another to do with as they wish for their pleasure. I do not wish to give the impression that I disparage this, only that it is not the realm I find myself or my deepest pleasure as a Dom.
For the beta/boy there is a need to be recognized and valued for their role more openly. The phrase ‘good boy’ holds special power because they respect the judgement of their Dom and need that kind of reinforcement as reward for their good behavior. Beta level submission axis also represents self control demonstrated by the sub. That ‘good behavior’ comes from that control and is representative of their submission to the instruction of their Dom.
Now that the definitions are out of the way we come to an entirely different point:
The nature of relationships within D/s, when does play end, and what happens then?
Most omega find their value in their use and need an absence of ‘respect’ during play and sometimes even after. They want to be used like a sex toy then put away.That’s just how it works for them and because of that ,especially, communication and mutual understanding are critical to avoid abusive relationships when play takes this form.Most boys, however, are the opposite and depend on the positive affirmation of their boy-nature and value to their Daddy/Dom.
There are three basic ‘relationship’ categories you find in the D/s world and that helps define the nature of the above points: Play only, Long Term and full time.
Play only relationships are your ‘hook up’ types in the BDSM world where there is no real continuation and sometimes only exist for a single session and not past the end of play.Long Terms are your ‘regular’ play partnerships and beyond even that is the full time relationship.
Long term is more when you have a committed play relationship that extends beyond a singular event (kind of like regular dating or frequent sex partners) there is an established dynamic with a clear beginning and end to play that sets it apart as the middle ground between play only and full time. It’s a more frequent play situation that has rules very similar to a relationship and can resemble one to the outside viewer. ‘Contracts’ for playing are fairly common because they define in black and white the nature and agreement both parties enter into.
Full Time relationships are more the ‘live in’ type that incorporate the nature of the previous two by adding a relationship that extends beyond playtime. This is what happens mostly when a Dom and sub live together, have an exclusive relationship and/or a clearly defined set of parameters that define themselves as more than ‘just’ a Dom/sub. This is where I find myself because my ‘boy’ and I have been together nearly 12 years and our story and life together is what my blog is about.
Caveat: Porn shows only play time and that leads to the mistaken belief that what is portrayed is what it’s like. It’s not. It’s at one end or the other to titillate and not to sate the need for more.
Playtime is over, what now?
Ideally there is a clearly defined signal or scenario in which play occurs. This depends entirely on which end of the spectrum of objectification or actualization the relationship happens. In all of these examples the standard rules of aftercare and safewords apply as they are the common ground along the spectrum.
In a play only situation that most often means that at the end of aftercare one of them leaves and that’s it. In a long term there tends to be more ‘romantic’ care depending on the point on the spectrum it falls where aftercare can mean staying the night or it means waiting for them to tell you it’s time to come play again. In a more full-time relationship the play may end, but the time spent together does not. Usually there is a living arrangement that is shared or extended time spent together, often on a one on one level.
The biggest difference between them is the relationship at play. A play only scenario has little to no use for a ‘friendship’ as they tend to be short duration, sex only situations. A long-term (or regular) play means some degree of friendship or affection for the other and a full time is usually indicative of a compatibility on a ‘dating’ or ‘marriage’ level. In a full time relationship sex only represents 10% of the time together but ‘play’ may not really end at all because of the nature of the Domination and submission involved. The ‘mundane’ vanilla life takes up the rest outside the bedroom, at least on the surface. Most who observe my relationship with my boy would have no idea of the Daddy/boy nature of it. It simply appears to be a ‘normal’ relationship with an age difference (which is kinky to some but that’s their hang up).
After care and continued relationships outside of play can be complicated because, depending on where your satisfaction lies as a sub or Dom, the nature of play may not be conducive to more. It breaks the ‘headspace’ of an object to have his head stroked gently after being used like a fleshlight, and it does the same for a boy to be forcefully shoved away or left in a corner afterward. It’s just not how things work best for them.
Ideally there is at least a minimal level of mutual respect and a good deal of trust and communication involved for anything outside the most extreme object play. Objects, being the most extreme form of omega submissive, become increasingly dissatisfied with a relationship when it feels like it’s moving away from the feeling of being used. Out there, the idea of friendship (eye contact, having a drink or dinner together) is virtually anathema to their needs and those of a continued sense of being ‘used’. It’s a bit hard to feel that when you’re even thanked.
The important caveat here is that you CAN have a full time relationship on any point of the diagram given just as you could have a play only one. The needs of the Dom/sub will dictate if that’s appropriate or not. Some, like myself, don’t even engage in virtual ‘play’ because it doesn’t satisfy or accomplish our goals when with a submissive.
Can a Dom and a sub be friends?
This part of the question requires introspection from the reader. I have talked about this in the past, so asking the question does not make you a sub, though it is often a concern of one but for a less obvious reason. To submit means to trust implicitly the person you are giving power to (Please note that I said giving the power to. Even in total submission that truth remains) and trust can be a very complicated issue for many.
Trust is a bond, an assurance of a level of respect and caring for one another on multiple levels. The capacity for trust can be easily damaged and difficult to repair but the ability to do so is required to establish a friendship at least from my perspective. No one who betrays me or my trust remains a friend or continues to exist in my world. Breaking the bond of trust ends friendship and the domino continues to fall eliminating anything past that level including full time, long term relationships.
In even the most casual friendships you have to be able to ‘take the hat’ of submissive or Dominant off entirely (or at least tilt it to the side) to maintain what most would consider a healthy relationship. As I noted previously, having an external to playtime friendship may not be appropriate in some cases, but even then there must be that foundation of trust for the playtime to exist.
On a general level this is like asking if you could turn a trick into a date/boyfriend, could a FWB become a partner? Of course you can, but not everyone is capable of letting things evolve if it should happen. In my mind this is much like chatting with someone then developing affection for them. It happens, often.
Should it happen? One end of the spectrum demands it when you go beyond a purely sexual (play-only) relationship. To be a ‘boy’ goes beyond the mechanics of play and requires an establishment of some level of trust, friendship, and even affection. Some of these are natural consequences of the nature of the playtime and the satisfaction it can bring and others develop, equally naturally, over time in a repeated play situation. It just happens as human beings that we become attached to what make us happy, gives us pleasure, and fulfills some aspect of our personality and nature.
The key to this is separation of role from self and that’s not always easy. That comes back to the respective self-esteem and positive value placed in the other. I think that on some levels any form of public play needs to have at least the most generic friendship involved and I feel that you can really only establish the kind of play inclusive relationship that I write about with an even stronger level of mutual respect as individuals and an abiding sense of the value the other has in your life. As noted before: i don’t do casual play-only of any kind and in any way so my experience focuses more on the relationship involved.
As a Dom I would have to be comfortable with them on that level before I could consider even ‘walking the Dog’ in the most platonic of senses. I have had entirely platonic relationships within the BDSM and D/s world and in many specific forms of ‘kink’ because I see those as tools and not purely so for my own pleasure. I make mention of the fact that my experience is not restricted to any ‘quadrant’ on the diagram and this is very true. I have had relationships in the past that touch on virtually every kink I can think of and take just about every form but I find the bond that exists between a Daddy and his boy to be what fulfills MY needs the most.
To be my ‘boy’ in anyway requires that I consider you a friend first because of the very intimate nature of the role-play involved. It allows me to ‘see beyond’ the surface of a boy to his innermost self and drawing that to the surface so he can get to know himself is my ultimate goal in ‘breaking’ him and that process happens everywhere in our lives.
From the first ‘date’ I am evaluating the compatibility, assessing his needs and the degree of repression involved for him, and seeing where his initial ‘limits’ exist as he understands them currently. I am also allowing him to show me these things by expressing himself, communicating his needs and demonstrating his capacity to be ‘relaxed’ and comfortable with me and himself.
This is a monumental amount of effort on both parts that extends into very personal areas but I’ve learned to do these things with a degree of ‘topic baiting’ that can seem very casual but draws out their truth without making them feel exposed. As time goes on and the relationship deepens, more of this happens and becomes more apparent but not initially. The first phase is entirely dedicated to establishing rapport and friendship.
As a Daddy what my boy feels is critical to that bond, and if HE doesn’t see me in that way then it’s not that kind of relationship at all. His feelings define me in that role and determine how our ‘play’ goes in the bedroom and what form our relationship takes outside that. Because of the role-play aspect there is a degree of ‘acting’ involved but that can only really occur with mutual respect, affection and understanding of the other person’s needs.
I actually demand a submissive look me in the eyes and have commented in the past that “I have no use for a boy who cannot raise his eyes from the ground’. Not every boy starts with that ability but if, after a time, he can’t gain that skill I am not the right kind of Dom for him. Sad though it may be to see a wonderful boy be mired in such a place, it can indeed be beyond my ‘power’ as a Dom to break him free of it. That is his nature, and NOT my place to change what makes him happiest but being in my kind of relationship would not be for him at all. Sometimes that discovery comes after knowing each other for a time, but because there is a mutual level of respect and a friendship, it becomes duty to be responsible and mature in ending such a situation. It would not be right for me to continue if I knew there was no way he would be happy and fulfilled with what I desire and vice versa.
Can I, as a Dom/Daddy, look my sub in the eyes in public after any degree of play? Absolutely. I usually smile, perhaps a cocked eyebrow and a smirk, because I know that HE knows I’m thinking naughty thoughts. It’s a must in a full time relationship because play never fully ends because it’s a relationship that encompasses all aspects of our life together and BOTH of our natures as sexual, human, beings.
One of my “Rules” is anytime, anywhere, for any reason but that’s not just about me. It includes my boy’s desires because (without sufficient reason like intoxication, illness, emotional needs or situation) there’s no reason to deny pleasure. I want him to submit to his own desire to please me, to crave THAT kind of satisfaction most of all and while denial heightens desire, I wouldn’t be comfortable eliminating the importance of those things.
I think in part this is why I differentiate between ‘boy’ and ‘son’. It includes a lasting relationship, deeper bond, and describes a power dynamic that is more accurate than purely Domination and submission based. A ‘son’ can be seen as an evolution of some boys, becoming actualized as a submissive and discovering their true happiness comes from giving that to a worthy “Daddy”.
“My greatest joy is a happy boy” is no joke. It’s my credo and my way of ‘doing business’. Even the most casual of Dad/boy relationships, for me, require a level of communication, honesty, and trust that are friendships. That means what we do remains as separate as we need it to when we are not playing. I don’t want a toy, I want a devoted boy who aches for approval the way other people get hard looking at porn. I want a boy to let go of labels, embrace his desires and to surrender his fear to me.
So to summarize and bring this to a close:
A boy must be able to be a friend, even a casual one, if he has any hope of being my boy. Because play can be signaled by either of us, a stroke through a pant leg or a hungry gaze, there must be clearly defined signals and boundaries and that requires honesty and communication. Being defined as a Daddy requires my boy pin certain things to me in his mind; respect, trust, admiration and the like, because without those things I am simply an older Dom and not really a Daddy at all. When play is over I want my boy to not have a ‘care in the world’ beyond snuggling up and falling asleep in my arms.
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