How I define the role of Daddy.

What makes a Daddy a good or ‘real’ Daddy? It is not the body hair, muscles, size of his cock or his age. It is the same thing that separates a ‘boy’ from a ‘good boy’: Self Control. I’m not talking about the kind of self control that makes you not eat that 3rd bag of donuts for breakfast. I’m talking about the kind of self control where your physical and emotional wants and needs are under your command and not the other way around. It is the difference between being a man and a beast. Yes you do unleash that side when the time is right, and the moment calls for it, but to truly be in control during sex you must have complete control of yourself.

A Daddy must be able to moderate his impulse to be ‘too dominant’ and remember the softer side of after care and cannot be so soft that he can’t be commanding or give discipline as needed. If Daddy surrenders to his lust he loses that ability and the intimacy changes from “Daddy and son” to “Cock and Fuck hole” which is not the name of the game for me. I require more self control and discipline of myself than I do my son because I want to be able to take him past every threshold of pleasure he’s experienced before (even with me) until he reaches a state of euphoria. I must have that control because I never allow sex to be ‘rushed’ when there is no need for it. I can, will and do, take hours to have ‘regular sex’ because there is intense amounts of foreplay, intimacy, sensuality and passion. While I am in control of myself I can apply increasing pleasure and withdrawal of the same so that each crescendo becomes it’s own orgasm and by controlling both my desire AND my sons we can continue this way until I feel it is time to finally reach the climax of our session.

I maintain a level of ‘dominance’ with just the sound of my voice or a gentle touch that gains submission from my boy without needing physical or emotional punishment nor ‘tools’ to do that for me. I’ve never needed to cage a boy, beat him, nor have I needed to punish a boy for disobedience the way I’ve seen some do. While the nature of a relationship with me as Daddy is very different from some (each is in fact unique and has its own limits and rules) this is how I am as a Daddy. I am in control of myself at all times, and because of that, I am in passive control of my son. He desires, no he needs, to be a good boy for Daddy because he knows what it means and what the rewards are. He wants to give me as much pleasure as he can, and I in return seek to push his concept of pleasure further and further until he reaches the same understanding, control, and threshold that I possess. That way he truly becomes my ‘son’ and as his Daddy I have taught him (without it being obvious) the way to keep control of his own life outside our bedroom. 

As a result he has a heightened awareness of sensation, sensuality and of the depths of his own desires and sexuality. I provide a safe space for him to explore those with me as a guide, and encourage that exploration by helping him overcome his previous self imposed restrictions and any hang up he might have had about his own pleasure or body image. It is my job, as Daddy, to break those walls down by creating that fantasy world for him so he can take the brave steps from being a boy and become a good boy.

The key to that growth is in submission. Not submission to my will, but to his own pleasure. It’s in that moment when he lets go because it feels too good to him to be worth the negative feelings any longer. By using positive experiences, emotions and sensations, you create a barrier against the internal ‘demons’ that haunt so many boys. Daddy breaks shame and anxiety, shatters negative self-esteem and body image, throws inhibition out the door and never lets doubt return to his son. It’s not done with anything more (or less) than a level of pleasure that you cannot reach if those things remain in your life. It is the very thing he must surrender to, to submit himself to, because the reward is too great to ignore. Eventually the pain of those things can no longer regain control of him, and while he no longer ‘needs to be a good boy for Daddy’ to have those sensation and be free of those feelings, he moves into my true desire. He WANTS to be a Good boy. It is his will now that he accepts and submits to, and that will is to be the best son for me that he can be.

It is only as equals can we truly and safely explore that dynamic of power where Daddy is dominant and his son is submissive. It isn’t real until both have the same level of understanding and control. From there… well lets just say that everything I’ve written about before now no longer matters because it becomes a natural dynamic and a perfect balance of give and take and a shared pleasure that can’t be articulated because it exists in a place beyond language, reason and explanation. It is the realm of Daddy and son (a boy in the superlative sense) , and it remains hidden until you discover the kind of power and balance that only self control can give because you cannot reach it without the other.

How I became the Daddy I am today..

Ever since my first experiences I have never been passive or even truly submissive, no matter the nature of the relationship. I have tried my best to learn from my experiences and to learn to shape the lessons into positive changes in the long run. It hasn’t always been easy so when I tell someone that I understand their pain, it is genuine because I truly have.

My first time with someone with someone we were both virgins, both unsure and awkward boys, and while we wanted to go further we were both afraid. At a certain point I decided to take matters into my own hands and I seduced him in a way I’d never even considered or thought of before. It was the first time I broke someone, and remains a treasured experience for me because now I realize I’ve been a Daddy my whole life. It came naturally, the instinct to reach inside him and draw him out to where he could allow himself the pleasure he wanted to experience. With zero experience in being ‘Dominant’ I took my first steps to becoming who I am now. We never went past oral sex, but it was a start.

Losing my virginity came to another person some time later. He was someone I trusted enough to try it with and felt a connection to. Had I been a smarter boy, I might have started getting fucked with someone more.. average than exceptional. He was 10.5ish inches when he was hard, and something about the challenge spurned my desire and determination to make it happen. He was largely a passive top, and let me control much of the activity for a while, but things didn’t remain that way for very long. When he was in control of the action he wasn’t patient, wasn’t considerate and wasn’t thoughtful. I bled a lot, hurt a lot, because he never gave me enough time to grow accustomed to it. He never prepared me with rimming or fingering, just a gob of spit and a rough thrust. I was with him for nearly two years.

The result of this was me becoming everything he wasn’t as a sex partner. I am patient, gentle and slow to the point of being torturous because it ignites the passion in a less experienced partner. I discovered the joy of proper foreplay with a boy, the long game as I call it because it takes quite a while to truly be ready for sex, especially rough play. The thing that I take away from my time with him, even more than being a respectful lover, is aftercare. He would roll over with his back to me, and would shake off any effort on my part to cuddle or be comforted. He truly seemed to not care at all once he was done. That lesson is one of the biggest parts of who I am now. After care and intimacy are crucial parts to my happiness as a Daddy and the time spent that was is more rewarding than even the best sex.

My first truly long term relationship was some 8ish years. We began with incredible passion, versatility and never got bored with our sex life together. We were committed to each other and our life together and I truly believed it was a forever thing at that time. He disarmed all my fears and I deeply cared for him. It didn’t stay that way for long. Over time that connection became slowly strangled and changed from mutual to virtually one sided. He started in small ways to be a different person and to push me into a very dark place. He frequently told me how much I embarrassed him around friends and family, would remind me that I wasn’t as valuable to him anymore because “I was different now”. I hadn’t yet changed, but I was in the process at that point.

I was being led away from myself, away from happiness and love and into a place where he could control me in every way. I stopped socializing because we shared the same circle of friends and I embarrassed him so often. I stopped working because there were issues of ‘trusting my faithfulness’ when he couldn’t be sure I was ‘keeping out of trouble’. He never struck me, never shoved or became physically violent. Instead he used words, withheld the affection that I needed from him, and emotionally cornered me with a choice between worthless and alone or with him where I was at least tolerable in bed.

At one point I discovered that he’d been ‘talking’ with an ex while he visited his parents because I found a letter that he’d had delivered to work that explicitly said how much this man had ‘enjoyed spearing him to the bed again as they had for his first time’. When I confronted him about it,  he flew into a tantrum that frightened me, accusing me of spying and a laundry list of things that were always my fault. We didn’t speak for days even though we slept in the same bed. Shortly afterward he packed his things and moved back home, and by home he meant in with the person who had written that note, the person who’d taken his virginity. I was devastated, didn’t leave my room for a month and spoke to no one at all for a long time after that. I believed I deserved what happened and that it was my fault. I more than considered suicide at that point, it became a desirable alternative to living in that much pain and the feeling of abandonment that overwhelmed me.

Sometime later he called out of the blue. I was suddenly happy again to hear his voice at all and it was everything I knew in my heart that I needed. He called every once in a while, just to talk and to say how sorry he was for the mistake he'd made and how much he missed me. Like a dog that is beaten by his owner, I welcomed the soft affectionate touch and forgot about the beating he'd given me. After a few months of being away with this man, they'd grown apart quickly and weren't really together at all anymore. He wanted to come back to me, to what we had, and to 'start over'. I cried I was so happy. We talked, were open with each other about what our future plans were and what  our goals were as individuals and as a couple. Everything seemed perfect again.

I had inherited a small amount of money from a family member and since we'd both decided to develop career paths that could work together in our own business, and he'd decided on a career which one of the best schools for was near where I lived, it made perfect sense to me to dedicate myself to making that happen together. Our agreement had been that we'd go one at a time for financial reasons and so at least one of us could be working to support the other. It was decided that he would go first. I helped him with his homework, took away the day to day stresses and let him do his thing with as much support as I could muster. When he was done, I even used my inheritance to start the business and spent it all buying office needs and such for him to start his end of things. Then it came to my turn and things changed without warning. His support for me vanished and he moved out almost immediately after I started applying to colleges. I was right back where I was when he left the first time.

As painful as this was to endure it taught me some very powerful lessons that I apply to my daily life as a Daddy now. I do everything in my power to reinforce positive self esteem, foster independence and help him become a strong person in his own right. I support my sons professional and personal development without forcing him in any direction other than what makes him happy. We speak with complete honesty about everything in our lives and communication has become a corner stone of that life together. The list of changes that lesson taught me is much longer but it comes down to: I became everything he wasn't as a partner. I became stronger in myself reliance, kept control of myself within myself and I learned to avoid becoming like him by refusing to fulfill the desire to take from someone what was taken from me to replace what I lost. I gained a form of unshakable confidence in surviving and overcoming the pendulum swing that would threaten to make ME a monster like he was.

I am the Daddy you know today because I have walked a very hard road and refused to let pain become the lesson I learned on my journey. It took time after each of these things to put them into perspective and to finally be able to learn from them. When I did, at last, glean a lesson it took away almost all of the pain because I transformed it in my own way into something that would make me a better person, a better lover, and ultimately a better Daddy. I now do everything in my power to prevent those things for my son, to help him become a stronger person without manipulation and to give him the positive effects of my lessons without the negativity I endured. I pass on what I learned through what I do and say and in so doing I make their legacy the happiness of my son today.

A message in closing to the boys and Daddies who've experienced similar in their lives:
I know this story can be very difficult to read, but I want you to know there is help out there. Even for men, who are stigmatized AS the abuser, there is help for those of us who have been victims of it. There is a growing awareness of the truth that victims of abuse are not one gender and that males experience it the same way that others do. I want you to reach out, to tell your story and to know you are heard. There is help out there at all times and that you aren't alone. This Daddy knows and understands and I'm not the only one who does. Please, reach out for help when you start to feel like you're falling into the hole left by that kind of pain or if you can't see your way out of it again. Don't hesitate to reach out for that help, it doesn't mean you are weak, it means you are stronger than you believe. I have faith in you, even if you do not, and you can survive this and become better on the other side of it. You just have to try, to hold on to hope, and not surrender that last part of you to their darkness. So please, call the numbers below or look for their equivalent in your country if you aren't in the USA. Daddy believes in you, now it's time to believe in yourself. Take that first step and reach out.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: Call 1-800-273-TALK (8255)

RAINN: 1-800-656-HOPE

The Lesson of Silence Part One: Facial Expressions.

This lesson isn’t exactly what it sounds like. It IS about body language, posture and the like but it is more about how to be able to communicate without saying a word and when you speak, how to do it properly. This lesson is not about how to moan, as that counts as 'verbal' communication. Training has phases and one of the early components is about silence. This serves multiple purposes, as most of my lessons do, but this one is the foundation for many others to follow so it must be a stand alone instructional essay.  This lesson focuses on facial expressions as part of non-verbal communication.
((Visual representations will accompany this lesson on my tumblr with references to this article. ))

During the lesson of silence, you speak when spoken to, and only in response to what Daddy has to ask you or tells to you. How then do you communicate with him, to tell him what you need, how you feel or anything else? You use proper body language that conveys a single, focused, message. It is far too easy to be confused when trying to express yourself, your body language can betray the truth even when you are ashamed or afraid to say something, and Daddy is an expert listener.

It becomes important then to be able to say the same thing with every fiber of your body, to express your Truth and your self without saying a single word. Your body has been awakened, brought to attention, by Daddy's efforts but you need to say something. You need to say; "thank you, more, harder, please, I'm ready, cum in me, or yes Daddy," but you know that you aren't yet supposed to speak on your own.While it is always easier to say it out loud, being able to say it with your face is even more powerful because it shows you are dedicated in that moment to concentrating every ounce of energy on pleasing him, even those you'd use to speak.

I love to hear you moan and beg but this lesson is about how to speak. Any fool can talk, but a boy learns to listen, feel and choose his words carefully and thus he SPEAKS when he opens his mouth.He doesn’t mutter or mumble, doesn’t waste time and doesn’t lie. He learns to do the same, earnestly, without uttering a word or even a moan by using his body. This means eyes, hands, legs, every part of you that doesn't have a mouth can learn to speak if you teach it to, and that is what the lesson of silence is about.

Here are some guidelines and hints on how to communicate with your Daddy using facial expressions:

Expression #1: How to say "Please Daddy":
The purpose of this expression is to express how painful the need is, how deep the ache and how desperate you are for more. When Daddy is teasing you, or before the fucking starts, this is the time when He wants to hear you ask and beg for him to go further. A practice tip here is to hold onto the memory of Daddy teasing you, how that makes your body feel, and look into a mirror so you can see what your face is doing. You can also masturbate and when you think about begging Daddy, take a look then. You'll start to notice a few things (even if you have to hang a picture of him to stare at, whatever helps make the expression genuine when you look at it).

The Details: Eye contact is key here, stay locked deep in his eyes. He needs to see it in you as much as you need to see yes in his. Keep them open but with a slightly pained expression while raising your eyebrows as if asking a question. That's exactly what you're doing, ASKING and you need to express that with just your face. Let your lips open like you want a kiss, to speak, but gently bite them to keep from speaking. The greater the need on your face, the more arousing it is for Daddy so this one becomes a very helpful skill to master.

The Visual:

Expression #2: How to say "More Daddy"
This is how you encourage your Daddy to give you more of what you want. When the tip slides in fully after being teased this is the time when you want to convey a mixture of feelings: satisfaction, release of that pained expression of 'please', the pleasure of feeling him inside you for the first time this session, and of course "thank you". To really show how much you need more, you first have to show how good even that little bit is because that may be all he gives you for some time. You are grateful for what you've gotten but want more, much more and this is how you do it.

The Details:  Close your eyes, let your head fall back, lower your 'please Daddy' pained expression be replaced by a slight, sharp intake of air as you start to smile. Relaxing your expression shows how much the teasing pressure has released and how much you appreciate that he gave you what you asked for. Go through the motions, without the sound, of saying yes and really meaning it, then lock eyes again and show how happy that moment was for you. This encouragement shows Daddy that you aren't only ready, but that you need more from him.

The Visual:

 
Expression #3: How to say "I'm ready Daddy"
This is used in a number of places during sex, most often before Daddy begins penetration, but sometimes it is after he's in but not all the way yet. Daddy likes to tease with every inch but it also makes sure he isn't hurting his boy, so he takes his time. He knows when you truly are ready, but you can signal him that you need more, and are ready for him to do more than tease.

The Details: Using a less 'pained' expression than 'please Daddy' you mix it with 'more Daddy' and show a relaxed face while making eye contact. The you can smile a little with a slightly furrowed brow, showing your willingness to relax and enjoy what is about to happen. With practice you can learn to ask for a kiss with this expression, drawing him in closer.  A slow, quiet, exhale while maintaining eye shows that you are now back under your own control and are ready to begin. It's the flag that signals you're truly ready to begin.

The Visual:

Expression #4: How to say "You're so big Daddy!"
It doesn't matter how many times Daddy's been in there, you both need to know it's still appreciated and one way to do that is by using this expression. It's a major confidence boost to a Daddy to know his boy loves how full he feels when Daddy is inside him. It's true of course, but Daddy gets a little bit harder when you show him just how much you need that feeling.

The Details:  Widen your eyes as if surprised a little, open your mouth slowly then bite your lip. A slow intake of air, not a gasp, as if preparing to moan. If you feel one about to start, stifle it (to tease Daddy a little) and when he gives you permission, let it out and relax your face as you continue to keep your eyes open and maintain eye contact.

The Visual: 

Expression #5: How to Say "oh god Daddy!"
This is where things start to heat up. You need to say so much, to moan, to let out the sounds you feel building in your head and body, but you know you aren't allowed to yet. It's making it hurt as you stifle them, making your body writhe almost as much as Daddy is. He's your permission to enjoy sex, but now he is teaching you to go further and so you must listen, but you HAVE to show appreciation for the full weight and depth of Daddy's passion so you use a 'shifting' expression like "oh god Daddy". This one is more involved as it isn't a 'fixed' expression you maintain any part of from one moment to the next. You keep changing it as he moves from the tip to the base inside you.

The Details: When Daddy is all the way in and the fucking has really begun, let all those feelings out through your face. Please, more and you're so big rolled into one. mouth open, sharp intakes of breath, a furrowed brow like you are trying to concentrate on staying relaxed and open for Daddy. Bite and/or lick your lips every once in a while. Tremble your lips, flutter your eyes occasionally as you alternate between eyes shut tight when he's all the way inside and wide open as he hits your prostate.

The Visual: 

Expression #6: How to say "Harder Daddy!"
It's important to not attempt to command Daddy, but you can ask/beg/plead with him using your face just as easily as with words. This face is accompanied by body changes, but those are a different matter and usually beyond your control, so your job becomes to translate those sensations into feelings and then those feelings into expressions on your face. This is where you are buckling down, bracing yourself, and signaling you need him to give you everything he wants and has to give. This is much further than 'fuck me Daddy' (an expression not taught because every single one says that) because it's already happening and if you were in control you'd be trying to break your hips by pulling Daddy into you, but you can't. You have to do that with your eyes.You have to SHOW him you want it hard, rough and deep, and this face is how you do it.Think about how terrible it would feel if he were to stop RIGHT now and pull out. How much would your body ache, how painful the shuddering and emptiness would be and how sad you would be that he wasn't there anymore. Let that out in your face. Show Daddy all those things but especially that you want everything he has and there is no place you'd rather be. This stage is VERY difficult to remain in vocal control, and most Daddies don't ask you to be in complete control (this is the stage where most of us like to break that control and force the sounds out of you) but practice that self control anyway. 

The Details: The 'pain' returns to your face here; furrowed brow, eye contact, sharp intakes of air as well as slow breaths. Panting, alternating closed eyes, show the frenzy that's building inside you.

The Visual: 

Expression #7: How to say "Thank you Daddy!" (midway version)
Once things have hit a boiling point, and you've relaxed and truly started showing him how much you it's important to let him see just how much you are into what's happening. This is useful when Daddy is hitting 'the zone' and has hit his stride in fucking you. Without moving from where he's put you, staying as he put you, you need to express the desire to laugh, to hug him, to shout and cry out how much you love feeling him inside you. This comes especially when he's giving you exactly what you need, even if you didn't realize it was until he started giving it to you. You have the task now of doing all of these things at once and encouraging him to not let up, stop or even slow down. You want more, all of it, NOW and you have to make sure he doesn't feel like you're losing interest because you've finally relaxed and are now 'getting into' the action fully. You're here, in the moment, with him and lost in the feeling together.

The Details: Narrow your gaze a little showing you are focused on his face, smile showing how much his passion makes you come alive. Furrowed brow to 'check in' with him and invite him in to a kiss and a deeper stroke.  Using variations on More, Please, and Oh God, keep his attention on your face by showing everything you are feeling. Let him see how much you need to do more than lay there and take it. Your expression is key to him understanding that you are HIS boy and you love everything that's happening. Beg with your eyes by showing him that you need him to cum inside you. You're a happy boy right now, and you want him to see it. Smile, bite your lip, slightly longer breaths and don't break eye contact except to fling your head back and gasp.

The Visual:

Expression #8 How to say "am I a good boy Daddy?"
It's important for you to ask, because hearing it is it's own reward. More than the pounding he's giving you, the sound of his voice telling you that you are HIS good boy is a deeper pleasure still. It's much more than a check in because it shows him how much you need to be his boy, to be everything he needs you to be and how much his pleasure is your pleasure. This one can tip Daddy over the edge almost as much as the next one (#9: "Can I cum Daddy?") does.

The Details: Bring the combination of please Daddy and more Daddy back in equal parts. Take gasping breaths with a furrowed brow and the 'needful pained' eyes. Pant a little, and let your face show how much you ache for him to say it. When he does: let thank you Daddy return again before moving on to the last two faces in this lecture.

The Visual:

Expression #9 : How to say " please, can I cum Daddy?"
You're nearing the end of your ability to hold out and you know you aren't far from one orgasm or another and you want his permission to go all the way. The pleasure he'll receive is not only from seeing his accomplished work, but in feeling your internal contractions. Your focus here is to show him how close you are to losing control. There are uncontrollable physical actions at this, so don't worry about those as much as expressing everything happening in your body on your face. Here is where you REALLY bring it for Daddy.

The Details: Close your eyes, let your head fall back and rise back up to meet his gaze before falling back again with short intakes of breath. Opening and closing your eyes, with a pained, concentrated expression showing him your need and your focus on being a 'good boy' for him. Use "am I a good boy" with: oh god, more, please, harder and really let him show how rampant your emotions are running and how frenzied your need to cum is.

The Visual:

Expression #10: How to say "Thank you Daddy" when he's cum inside you.
The feeling of his release, his shudders, his groans, those are your greatest pleasure and now is the time to show appreciation without breaking again and staying a good boy. You don't move unless he says to because you want him to stay inside, to feel him there as long as possible and because you now it might just start all over again soon. As he is appreciating you for being a good boy, you need to show him that the feeling is different now, showing a sense of completeness, that your purpose has been fulfilled. You're his good boy, and you need to show him how much being his good boy means to you.Now is when you show him that it's more than a passing lust but a lasting need you have for Daddy. You're need for him isn't finished because you need his arms around you, to hold you and show you how much he treasures you beyond being his for sex. This sounds simple enough, but to really do it right will earn much more affection from Daddy.

The Details: Fix your eyes on his, soften your expression, let out air slowly as you smile.  Relax your face, lay your head back, shudder slightly before giving him an impish, cheeky, grin. All the elements of thank you Daddy (mid way)  should be on your face while searching his eyes for one more 'good boy'.

The Visual: 

The Conclusion:
This is only a primer for Facial Expressions for a boy to use when he is instructed to be quiet by his Daddy. Each boy will have his own unique expressions/variations because his face is different. These visuals show a variety of faces and express the desired 'phrase' from these ten basics. I usually teach these faces by ensuring the emotions are genuine and rewarding their proper use with reinforcement of greater affection and verbal/physical appreciation so their use remains fixed in my boys mind. His concentration should be on expressing his desires and feelings to his Daddy as he is permitted by the form of 'training' he's undergoing. These are my personal experiences and I share them to point to self discovery and for boys to teach themselves how to do these things so they can please their Daddy. Should a Daddy wish to adopt them as part of his routines, further lessons on how to 'instruct' a boy in achieving the goals I lay out will be a future project.

For now boys, remember that your face is key to expression.
Learn it, train it, use it.
You'll thank me later. 



 

Lessons from Daddy: Talking Dirty

Verbal play has a wide variety of form during a session but outside of one should, again in my opinion, never cross the line into abuse and degradation. A REAL boy is a treasure as a submissive and despite playing as rough as he needs it to be, ruining him would be unforgivable. You can enact every single kind of fantasy without causing damage, breaking the law, or risking the health of a submissive. You simply have to know what you are doing, how to do it, and take the required steps to make that fantasy a reality for a time.

The language can be changed to fit the kind of play, and should be. From baby to princess to pup, I consider them ‘genre’ subsets of the D/s fetish  and each comes with their own vocabulary:

Adult baby play, you use simpler words a gentle and rising “sing song’ or ‘baby talk’ tone. and at most a firm tone without sounding ‘angry’’ they’ve been naughty, the same you’d get back from them when they expressed their feelings and needs.

Son you would use the familial language as well as ‘boy affirming’ names like slugger, champ while they call you Daddy, Father, Dad etc.

Princess would use feminizing terms like pussy, clit, cunt and and so on.

Pup would be similar to baby in the tone and simple terms but would also include a sharper tone.

Here’s a ‘script’ of how verbal dominance can be played out in varying degrees in a D/s scene involving a Dom of one variety or other and a submissive boy who wants to suck him. The only difference is in the word choices:

Tender: “What’s the matter boy? You look hungry... Are you hungry son? Is this what you want =flops cock into view= is it? Go ahead boy, it’s all for you. That’s it. Such a good boy sucking Daddy and look at you, so happy making Daddy proud.”

Moderate: “I don’t want to hear you speak. I want to hear you suck, are we clear boy? This isn’t about you being anything but a cocksucker now get to it. ”

Rough: “You worthless fucking piece of shit, look at you, I’d rather fuck a toilet than stick my dick in that wrecked ass. Get over here and do the only useful thing left you can do: suck my dick. Take it you little bitch.You want that huh? You want to suck a real man’s dick don’t you?”

What is the purpose of Talking Dirty like this? To fulfill the fantasy and desires of both people involved. When a boy wants to feel like a dirty slut, then his Dom can use this kind of language to make that happen. It’s a form of Dominance that I prefer to use because it’s so easily changeable during a play session. If I sense that my boy needs something more, I can move through the degrees until I find the place that strikes a chord within him. Then I move him into the headspace he needs and the rest follows naturally and is a good way to transition between types of sex.

An extension of love.

I’ve spoken a lot about my relationship with my son and occasionally I’ve mentioned having a ‘little brother/newest son’ in our lives. We have talked a great deal about what that would mean and why a ‘younger brother” and not an Older bro or even Uncle (because I was not opposed to those other two ideas either) was the choice we were going to make together. To explain it better, I want to tell you about last night.

My son and I were in bed, or I should say ON the bed. We lay there, in the most intimate of ways without it being sexual. Touching, kissing and talking. I reminded him of some things I said when we met years ago, when we first began. He was incredibly sensitive and ticklish and would jump and giggle constantly at my touch. I told him that as time went on and he came to understand that I loved every inch of him and his skin got used to being touched, he would stop being ticklish in that way. I said this as I gently traced my fingers across his ribs and he didn’t jump, only smiled. 

We talked about how we and our bodies have changed over time. I reminded him of our first conversation about what I found attractive about him, what made me want to be with him. I had told him way back then that the ‘thing’ I loved about him was Him, his truest deepest self and I could see it clearly even back then. Each moment is a snapshot, each love unique to that time, and our love evolves with each new ‘snapshot’ as we’ve grown and changed over the years. I loved the young, wide eyed him whose world changed being with his Daddy just as much as I love the him who’d grown into such the extraordinary person I now call my Son. What has remained constant is the ‘him’ that I loved. It was never about the outside features or the obvious personality traits, I was always in love with the him he was deep inside, the him he would become if he was nurtured, cared for and protected.

I asked him: Thinking back to when we began, could you have imagined the person you’d become today? 

He said: “No. I really couldn’t have seen it back then.”

I Said: That person, the one you are now, is the one I saw within you ten years ago. You’ve grown into an amazing, compassionate, wonderful, kind and gentle person with an incredible capacity for love. I knew he was within you the moment I set eyes on you the very first time we met in person. It was him, the real you, that I was in love with. I love the you that you were on every step of this journey.

He said: “That’s why I want to find a younger brother. Because I want to see you do that. I’ve felt it, but I want to watch you and him as it happens over time.”

I sat there for a while, his head snuggled against mine, and I was very quiet. We never break physical contact when talking like this, even on hot summer days we still hold hands. We’d spoken at great lengths in the past, deciding what it would be like to have someone in our lives on that level and he’d told me that he (it was actually his idea) wanted to give someone the opportunity to share our life together. He wanted to share our world, not just our bed (that was a very far distant second), with someone. It hit me VERY hard to hear him put it this way. The clarity, honesty, and reality of that desire to watch and participate in the process as I’d been with him. Even as I write this down, I’m a little more than misty eyed because it means the culmination of the journey that brought us here. I couldn’t be more proud, happy or deeply grateful for the incredible gift of our time together but especially of this moment.

He’d become a Daddy in the most important senses and for all the right reasons. He didn’t want to step into the role as much as he wanted it to happen again for someone else. He wanted to remain my son but, on a deeper level, to be a partner in sharing that with another person. It meant now that his ‘submission’ was complete. He was my full equal, and chose to be my son. I would happily have reversed the roles in the situation he described, where we had that ‘other son’ in our lives. I’d have taken the Grandfather/patriarch role and helped guide him through the troubled times that can happen between a Daddy and his son. That was not at all what he wanted. He wanted me to be a Daddy for another boy, one who needed someone like me, and to share our lives and that process of growth with him.

What do you say to that?  I didn’t know how to respond really. It had always been something more than a sexual fantasy to me because the greatest joy I could imagine would be having a happy boy in each arm as we drifted off to sleep. It is a very powerful image in my mind because it made me acutely aware that there was indeed a space in our lives that wouldn’t diminish our connection to each other but amplify the love we shared. 

The idea is nuanced but not very complicated. It even has a corollary in the outside world: That of two parents who decide to have a child. That decision changes the binary (two person) relationship into a ‘tri-nary’ (three way ) relationship without changing the love that made the addition of that third possible. It means that we both would love him equally as he would love us both equally in return in our own special ways  as each love is unique. This boy would not only have a Daddy but he would also have a Big Brother to care for him. Everything equal, everything shared, all responsibilities equally maintained, and even intimate times together would be that same way. 

Those times where we were intimate, would not be confined by any  ‘rule’ like Daddy has to be there or any variation of that. He and I would be allowed to be as intimate or sexual with our new family member at any time without judgement or jealousy so long as it never became strictly a one on one where the other was ignored or shut out from those times. No exclusivity but equality in its place. He would be able to cuddle with just Daddy or his brother without jealousy or any feelings of guilt for not sharing at that time because he’d be able to invite his brother to join as he felt just as much as my son would be free to join or leave it one on one between his brother and his Daddy.

It would be a perfect balance of freedom, caring, companionship, mutual understanding and protection. He and I are both very real people. That means flawed, fragile at times, and imperfect. I make no pretense about being a deified ideal Daddy. I only present myself as I am just as he would because to lie about such would break what could be real because fantasy wore thin. We aren’t interested in a fling, those aren’t our way. We want forever, and to give someone a chance to step into that willingly and to join our world. We’re after happily ever after and in for all the hard work that means to bring into reality.

This is what it means to be with Daddy, and what it would mean to join us as our newest family member. I’m not too old now to consider spending another ten years helping a boy grow into a son or Daddy as he chose when the journey was ‘complete’ as it is now with my Son and I.

A question and an answer about Trust and safety in a D/s relationship.

Anonymous asked:

do you have any advice for a boy who has trouble trusting that daddy doesn't want to hurt him and that daddy will listen if he needs to talk? I've had bad experiences in the past and it's making it hard to accept the good that exists now.

First: A bit in general.
There are many aspects to a Dad/son relationship but two of the biggest is consent and cooperation. Even in a purely sexual play time only agreement, those two things are paramount and even more important than the actual sex involved. They become critical if it becomes your full time life and you live with your Daddy, as my son does with me. In the case of full time, sex is barely 10% of the time you will spend together. The rest must be based on those two things almost as much as Trust. Trust is a cornerstone and the ‘corners of the foundation’ (Trust, Consent, Cooperation, Caring) can’t function without it. You can have a mix, but it doesn’t build anything stable. 

Because trust is so vital a part of the situation, it is also the most fragile and most difficult to re-construct once broken. It takes much more dedication to restoring trust and that effort can never be one sided. If you and your Daddy aren’t working TOGETHER to restore trust once damaged and the strengthening the communication necessary for those four pieces to work in harmony again then the desire to be together is one sided.

The only way to remove them from the equation is to NOT have a relationship outside the bedroom play activities and simply establish ground rules and safe words. I want to stress this HEAVILY right now. A ‘safe word’ is not a guideline, it’s not a joke and it is an absolute must when engaging in play that goes beyond simple sex. In my opinion (and that of most other Daddies) it is absolutely beyond redemption on the part of a Dom to break that trust and ignore the safe words use. It is very important to the boundaries of the relationship and its use by the boy should never be over used. It can’t come at the first flinch or it’s meaningless. If you follow the analogy of the safe word, you begin to see where trust is established, cemented and secured. It is in co-operation and mutual respect as much as communication and trust. 

Now that I’ve lectured enough on the importance of trust in any kind of relationship, even in a purely sexual one that involves more than sex, I’ll try to answer your question as best as I can. It’s hard for me to answer things like this because it truly makes me sad when a boy has something like this happen to him. 

My advice is this:
Never give up hope. Never stop trying. Never, ever, give up on your self respect to fill that need in the short term. It truly isn’t worth it. You are of infinite value to the right Daddy, and being able to trust him is important to a long lasting relationship. This means hard truths as well. If there is a very long history and a strong relationship before the past (not knowing what happened to cause the loss of trust i’m shooting in the dark here) then it may be worth fighting for depending on what happened. Broken trust and a broken heart walk hand in hand and the only way to heal both of them is with time and effort. Remember as well, if it wasn’t you who broke that trust, then it isn’t you who is responsible or needs to bear the guilt for it NO MATTER what the other person might say or if they try to push those things on you. Those aren’t healthy behaviors and are warning signs of real danger.

If you believe, deep down, that you need a Daddy you can trust but you can’t now (or ever will) trust the daddy that you are with now, then you have to make the choice to be alone and work on your ability to trust by yourself. I do not pretend to be an expert on healing a broken heart but having had mine broken my fair share and having seen what lost trust does to people, I know what I’ve seen help. Live as fully as you can. Laugh often and have faith in yourself. Hope for the best to come your way soon because it just may. Until that day you have to make yourself ready by respecting yourself, taking pride in your desire to be a boy for a daddy who is worthy of it and to risk that broken heart by never giving up on love or the chance to share it. If you find yourself feeling lonely or just needing to cuddle and cry: buy yourself a soft plush teddy bear and don’t hesitate to hug as tight as you need and to cry as much as it takes to get it out of your system. he can take it, just like a real Daddy can. 

I may be completely wrong, not knowing more, but that is the basics of my advice on broken trust for both Daddies and boys. I hope, in at least some small way, my words reach you and help you stand up a little bit taller and a little bit faster than you might have without them.

Daddy's thoughts on Chastity Devices.

Chastity devices aren’t something that I personally use because I approach it in different way. They are most often used to encourage the boys focus on the subject of his attentions rather than being distracted by his own erection. While I will agree that a focused boy, who isn’t dividing his efforts between his pleasure and mine, does a far better job of pleasing his Daddy I find there are other ways to encourage that focus without mechanical assistance. 

Chastity is a part of the Domination/submission for many because it removes that ability and eventually the will to do so. While Dad and son is a form of Domination/submission because of the power exchange, I tend to prefer more ‘Daddy’ methods than ‘Dom’ methods. For some boys torture/tease/spankings and the like aren’t really punishments because they are aroused by them. That defeats their purpose in my mind and so I choose a different route to accomplishing that goal.

Rather than removing their ‘locus of control’ as part of the power exchange, I use my position to shape their behavior over time through reward and withdrawal of reward. It’s a behavioral modification technique similar to operant conditioning and behavior extinction programs. My personal background is in that field of study, so I’m well versed in designing ‘lesson plans’ that involve subtle changes over a period of time until the boy has learned self control. It is not an instantaneous result as with a chastity device but I personally enjoy it more. In my experience you can accomplish the same goal without the device right up to (and including) the edging like orgasm when they are finally ‘given permission’ to do so

Every boy begins with one flaw, his innate desire for immediate gratification. As we grow into adults the delay or denial of that gratification becomes a powerful motivator for behavioral change. I apply guided direction, a system of reward and removal of reward not punishment because my goal is to give the skills of self control to the boy. I want to assist him in attaining self mastery, which is why his desire to accomplish this is critical. I don’t ‘explain’ what I’m doing, because even from his perspective you’d never see it without knowing what to look for..
Consent is my biggest point of arousal. Submission is consent but submission without will behind it is surrender, and that is not my goal at all. “Do anything you want” does nothing for me, but when a capable boy who is in control of himself submits to my control, THAT is a heady aphrodisiac. In the context of a different relationship where that kind of play is part of things, sure, I would use one, but my goal would remain the same: to train a boy into a fully realized son.

I remember you: a memory of loss.

I write a version of for coming out day every year, I tell it a different way each time but the truth is in each one. This is the story of a boy and a Daddy. 
—————————————————————————————————
I remember you.

3am and the phone rings. 

“Daddy I can’t sleep. Can you talk to me until I fall asleep. you’re voice makes me feel safe.”

What the hell could I say? No? What kind of Daddy would I be if I let that happen when I could change it just by talking until you slept. Camera’s on, two nightlights in different parts of the world making a conduit so you could see my smile as we talked about the weather. I talked and talked even when I started to cry because I could see you’d been crying. You tried to hide it, but that wouldn’t be possible from me. The red around your eyes, the way you couldn’t smile. I wanted to punch my hand through the glass and pull you through into my arms. I fucking couldn’t. I’m only Daddy no matter how much I needed to be more hearing you sob quietly as you turned to bury your face in that pillow so far away. 

There was nothing I could do. All I could do was talk, be as gentle and warm as I could to try to drive away the demons. You wouldn’t tell me what happened or why you’d been crying so much before you called me that night. I have never broken so completely, my heart, my soul my mind and my body everything was shattered to see you like that.

There were still miles to go before morning and I wasn’t going to leave you until the sun rose and you were no longer in the dark or crying quietly as you tried to sleep. On and on it went until you started to get the heavy eyes that come before falling asleep. You whispered into the dark what we did anytime we were talking and about to fall asleep.


“I love you Daddy”

“I love you too son”.

At last you’d begun to fall asleep as if saying our nightly ritual was enough to help you finally let go of your burden. I talked more still but I could still hear quiet sobs in your half sleep, like some dream was torturing you still. I don’t know why I’d never done it before, but I started to sing quietly because I couldn’t think of any other way to stop you crying in your sleep. Something in the words or the sound of my voice made you curl up a little and relax.  I sang and talked and did anything I could think of until I finally heard the crying stop and at last be replaced with those little happy noises you made when I talked you to sleep. You didn’t toss and turn anymore and had a gentle smile on your face as you rolled over to face the phone. You were so tired that you didn’t wake up when the thing crashed off your headboard and onto the bed next to you.

Exhausted I began to fall asleep, my head resting against the phone until somewhere between here and morning one of them ran out of power and the connection was lost. I woke, still exhausted, my throat sore. Plugged the phone in on the nightstand , started the coffee, threw myself into the shower to try to make the day happen even though I didn’t want it to. I thought of how adorable you looked when you’d bounce on your bed talking to me when things were good and even as you drifted off last night the memory of those times made me smile. It was my goal to get you there again.

Phone. I hear it ringing and think to myself, it’s too early for anyone to call so it must be my boy. Sure enough his picture filled the screen telling me I was right. 

“Hello there. How are you doing this morning?”

“Who is this?” I’d never heard the voice before and I had to assume it was your mother. She sounded more than a little upset.

“Mrs.XXXXXXXXXXX I presume? I’m XXXXXX, a friend of XXXXX”

“Why does my son have you in his list as ‘daddy’? “ Fuck. This was NOT a conversation I wanted when unprepared. 

“It’s a nickname a lot of friends use for me. Like some people call a family friend uncle, many people just call me Daddy”. 

“Why was my son on the phone with you at 3 am? “ I really wanted to correct her and tell her that I was on the phone with MY son.

“Everyone who knows me knows they can call me at any time if they need someone to talk to. XXXXX sounded like he was sad about something and didn’t want to talk about it, so we talked for a while and he fell asleep. He was exhausted. I apologize if I kept XXXXX up too late but he was so upset when he called that I couldn’t just tell him to go to bed. It wouldn’t have worked and I didn’t mind. It was late sure but I would rather stay up and talk when someone needs a friendly voice or ear than have to cut it short because I was tired.”

I realized I had begun babbling to put some distance between where this started and where it could be heading quickly.  He hadn’t come out to his family, they had no idea because he was terrified they would disown him or worse so he kept it to himself. The tone of her voice changed when she spoke again.

“I’m sorry I don’t know you and shouldn’t assume the worst like that but I had to know. Did he say anything to you about what happened to him when you two were talking last night?”

“To be honest he was upset when he called but didn’t want to talk a whole lot. Mostly wanted to listen and not feel alone I think. I’ve been there enough to know even a small comfort helps.”

“XXXXXXX, I appreciate that, I really do” Her voice was losing composure the more she talked and I began feeling ill. “I should tell you..”

Time stopped. Not one word more. I wouldn’t allow it. I wanted to hang up before she could finish but I couldn’t.

“XXXXXXXX.. he.. he wrote a note..I tried to get him up this morning but even ambulance people couldn’t.. “

I had to quickly put the phone on speaker and mute. There as no way I could speak anymore. Now it was her turn to need someone to talk to. I choked it back and unmuted for a moment.

“Please, start over and tell me from the beginning. I’ll listen and be here as long as you need to talk”.  The rest no longer matters. I couldn’t care anymore. I listened, cried every time she let a detail fall between her own sobs. She had no reason to tell me anything, and every right to hang up, but now I was the voice on the other end who’d listen to her. 

Details were sketchy, he'd left only in a short note written in a halting hand and clearly dotted with tears. He was a social boy, and liked talking to people online and had to quite a few before meeting me. Someone had gotten it into their head to figure out who he was and put the pieces together.  He stalked, no, he hunted my son and took everything from him because he ‘wanted a piece’ of him. It wasn’t last night. It was days ago. We’d spoken since the event and he’d seemed a little distant but that happened occasionally when he had a lot on his mind. I didn’t think anything of it. He was in shock, autopilot and wandering around asleep at the wheel but something changed last night. 

There is a place so dark that nothing, not hope or light or love, can reach you. It comes when you give up, when you believe you aren’t worth the effort anymore. It is a terrible, horrible place to be. I know. I’ve been there before. He reached it last night and apparently took far too much of one thing mixed with another and decided to call me. I would rather have been shot over and over ALL over my body than hear those words. I listened to her talk for a few more minutes before her husband called for her to come down stairs. We said goodbye and I hung up not on her, but on the world.  I was done listening for a long while. No one had anything to say that I wanted to hear in the deafening silence left by no more “Daddy I love you” at night.

********************************************************************************

This story is not entirely fiction, it is in fact almost entirely true. I’ve only changed a few details so it is unrecognizable to anyone who might read it.  

if you, or someone you know has experienced sexual violence, please give them (or call yourself) the numbers below. Help them by being there for them, listen, be the shoulder and the ear, and never EVER excuse your inaction by saying “it gets better’ without helping them make it be better. It does, but you have to have support and to work for it every day. You can’t let hope slip through your fingers, cant’ give up on love or yourself because you’re more precious than you can imagine. Sight unseen there is someone out there who is dreaming of someone like you, just as you have been of them.

It is my secret, the life I lost, but it’s in his memory that I tell our story as a warning. You can’t always tell when something is wrong, which is why it’s important to be the right kind of help for someone who may not realize they need it. Be the same friend you already are but if you know something has happened like this, don’t let them go it alone. Teach yourself to find the resources, find clinics that have support groups, help them reconnect to life if you can. If you can’t; then give them the tools and be there to support them as much as you can. Make sure they know they aren’t alone in the night, even if means a late night phone call.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: Call 1-800-273-TALK (8255)

RAINN: 1-800-656-HOPE