A question and an answer about Trust and safety in a D/s relationship.

Anonymous asked:

do you have any advice for a boy who has trouble trusting that daddy doesn't want to hurt him and that daddy will listen if he needs to talk? I've had bad experiences in the past and it's making it hard to accept the good that exists now.

First: A bit in general.
There are many aspects to a Dad/son relationship but two of the biggest is consent and cooperation. Even in a purely sexual play time only agreement, those two things are paramount and even more important than the actual sex involved. They become critical if it becomes your full time life and you live with your Daddy, as my son does with me. In the case of full time, sex is barely 10% of the time you will spend together. The rest must be based on those two things almost as much as Trust. Trust is a cornerstone and the ‘corners of the foundation’ (Trust, Consent, Cooperation, Caring) can’t function without it. You can have a mix, but it doesn’t build anything stable. 

Because trust is so vital a part of the situation, it is also the most fragile and most difficult to re-construct once broken. It takes much more dedication to restoring trust and that effort can never be one sided. If you and your Daddy aren’t working TOGETHER to restore trust once damaged and the strengthening the communication necessary for those four pieces to work in harmony again then the desire to be together is one sided.

The only way to remove them from the equation is to NOT have a relationship outside the bedroom play activities and simply establish ground rules and safe words. I want to stress this HEAVILY right now. A ‘safe word’ is not a guideline, it’s not a joke and it is an absolute must when engaging in play that goes beyond simple sex. In my opinion (and that of most other Daddies) it is absolutely beyond redemption on the part of a Dom to break that trust and ignore the safe words use. It is very important to the boundaries of the relationship and its use by the boy should never be over used. It can’t come at the first flinch or it’s meaningless. If you follow the analogy of the safe word, you begin to see where trust is established, cemented and secured. It is in co-operation and mutual respect as much as communication and trust. 

Now that I’ve lectured enough on the importance of trust in any kind of relationship, even in a purely sexual one that involves more than sex, I’ll try to answer your question as best as I can. It’s hard for me to answer things like this because it truly makes me sad when a boy has something like this happen to him. 

My advice is this:
Never give up hope. Never stop trying. Never, ever, give up on your self respect to fill that need in the short term. It truly isn’t worth it. You are of infinite value to the right Daddy, and being able to trust him is important to a long lasting relationship. This means hard truths as well. If there is a very long history and a strong relationship before the past (not knowing what happened to cause the loss of trust i’m shooting in the dark here) then it may be worth fighting for depending on what happened. Broken trust and a broken heart walk hand in hand and the only way to heal both of them is with time and effort. Remember as well, if it wasn’t you who broke that trust, then it isn’t you who is responsible or needs to bear the guilt for it NO MATTER what the other person might say or if they try to push those things on you. Those aren’t healthy behaviors and are warning signs of real danger.

If you believe, deep down, that you need a Daddy you can trust but you can’t now (or ever will) trust the daddy that you are with now, then you have to make the choice to be alone and work on your ability to trust by yourself. I do not pretend to be an expert on healing a broken heart but having had mine broken my fair share and having seen what lost trust does to people, I know what I’ve seen help. Live as fully as you can. Laugh often and have faith in yourself. Hope for the best to come your way soon because it just may. Until that day you have to make yourself ready by respecting yourself, taking pride in your desire to be a boy for a daddy who is worthy of it and to risk that broken heart by never giving up on love or the chance to share it. If you find yourself feeling lonely or just needing to cuddle and cry: buy yourself a soft plush teddy bear and don’t hesitate to hug as tight as you need and to cry as much as it takes to get it out of your system. he can take it, just like a real Daddy can. 

I may be completely wrong, not knowing more, but that is the basics of my advice on broken trust for both Daddies and boys. I hope, in at least some small way, my words reach you and help you stand up a little bit taller and a little bit faster than you might have without them.