How I became the Daddy I am today..

Ever since my first experiences I have never been passive or even truly submissive, no matter the nature of the relationship. I have tried my best to learn from my experiences and to learn to shape the lessons into positive changes in the long run. It hasn’t always been easy so when I tell someone that I understand their pain, it is genuine because I truly have.

My first time with someone with someone we were both virgins, both unsure and awkward boys, and while we wanted to go further we were both afraid. At a certain point I decided to take matters into my own hands and I seduced him in a way I’d never even considered or thought of before. It was the first time I broke someone, and remains a treasured experience for me because now I realize I’ve been a Daddy my whole life. It came naturally, the instinct to reach inside him and draw him out to where he could allow himself the pleasure he wanted to experience. With zero experience in being ‘Dominant’ I took my first steps to becoming who I am now. We never went past oral sex, but it was a start.

Losing my virginity came to another person some time later. He was someone I trusted enough to try it with and felt a connection to. Had I been a smarter boy, I might have started getting fucked with someone more.. average than exceptional. He was 10.5ish inches when he was hard, and something about the challenge spurned my desire and determination to make it happen. He was largely a passive top, and let me control much of the activity for a while, but things didn’t remain that way for very long. When he was in control of the action he wasn’t patient, wasn’t considerate and wasn’t thoughtful. I bled a lot, hurt a lot, because he never gave me enough time to grow accustomed to it. He never prepared me with rimming or fingering, just a gob of spit and a rough thrust. I was with him for nearly two years.

The result of this was me becoming everything he wasn’t as a sex partner. I am patient, gentle and slow to the point of being torturous because it ignites the passion in a less experienced partner. I discovered the joy of proper foreplay with a boy, the long game as I call it because it takes quite a while to truly be ready for sex, especially rough play. The thing that I take away from my time with him, even more than being a respectful lover, is aftercare. He would roll over with his back to me, and would shake off any effort on my part to cuddle or be comforted. He truly seemed to not care at all once he was done. That lesson is one of the biggest parts of who I am now. After care and intimacy are crucial parts to my happiness as a Daddy and the time spent that was is more rewarding than even the best sex.

My first truly long term relationship was some 8ish years. We began with incredible passion, versatility and never got bored with our sex life together. We were committed to each other and our life together and I truly believed it was a forever thing at that time. He disarmed all my fears and I deeply cared for him. It didn’t stay that way for long. Over time that connection became slowly strangled and changed from mutual to virtually one sided. He started in small ways to be a different person and to push me into a very dark place. He frequently told me how much I embarrassed him around friends and family, would remind me that I wasn’t as valuable to him anymore because “I was different now”. I hadn’t yet changed, but I was in the process at that point.

I was being led away from myself, away from happiness and love and into a place where he could control me in every way. I stopped socializing because we shared the same circle of friends and I embarrassed him so often. I stopped working because there were issues of ‘trusting my faithfulness’ when he couldn’t be sure I was ‘keeping out of trouble’. He never struck me, never shoved or became physically violent. Instead he used words, withheld the affection that I needed from him, and emotionally cornered me with a choice between worthless and alone or with him where I was at least tolerable in bed.

At one point I discovered that he’d been ‘talking’ with an ex while he visited his parents because I found a letter that he’d had delivered to work that explicitly said how much this man had ‘enjoyed spearing him to the bed again as they had for his first time’. When I confronted him about it,  he flew into a tantrum that frightened me, accusing me of spying and a laundry list of things that were always my fault. We didn’t speak for days even though we slept in the same bed. Shortly afterward he packed his things and moved back home, and by home he meant in with the person who had written that note, the person who’d taken his virginity. I was devastated, didn’t leave my room for a month and spoke to no one at all for a long time after that. I believed I deserved what happened and that it was my fault. I more than considered suicide at that point, it became a desirable alternative to living in that much pain and the feeling of abandonment that overwhelmed me.

Sometime later he called out of the blue. I was suddenly happy again to hear his voice at all and it was everything I knew in my heart that I needed. He called every once in a while, just to talk and to say how sorry he was for the mistake he'd made and how much he missed me. Like a dog that is beaten by his owner, I welcomed the soft affectionate touch and forgot about the beating he'd given me. After a few months of being away with this man, they'd grown apart quickly and weren't really together at all anymore. He wanted to come back to me, to what we had, and to 'start over'. I cried I was so happy. We talked, were open with each other about what our future plans were and what  our goals were as individuals and as a couple. Everything seemed perfect again.

I had inherited a small amount of money from a family member and since we'd both decided to develop career paths that could work together in our own business, and he'd decided on a career which one of the best schools for was near where I lived, it made perfect sense to me to dedicate myself to making that happen together. Our agreement had been that we'd go one at a time for financial reasons and so at least one of us could be working to support the other. It was decided that he would go first. I helped him with his homework, took away the day to day stresses and let him do his thing with as much support as I could muster. When he was done, I even used my inheritance to start the business and spent it all buying office needs and such for him to start his end of things. Then it came to my turn and things changed without warning. His support for me vanished and he moved out almost immediately after I started applying to colleges. I was right back where I was when he left the first time.

As painful as this was to endure it taught me some very powerful lessons that I apply to my daily life as a Daddy now. I do everything in my power to reinforce positive self esteem, foster independence and help him become a strong person in his own right. I support my sons professional and personal development without forcing him in any direction other than what makes him happy. We speak with complete honesty about everything in our lives and communication has become a corner stone of that life together. The list of changes that lesson taught me is much longer but it comes down to: I became everything he wasn't as a partner. I became stronger in myself reliance, kept control of myself within myself and I learned to avoid becoming like him by refusing to fulfill the desire to take from someone what was taken from me to replace what I lost. I gained a form of unshakable confidence in surviving and overcoming the pendulum swing that would threaten to make ME a monster like he was.

I am the Daddy you know today because I have walked a very hard road and refused to let pain become the lesson I learned on my journey. It took time after each of these things to put them into perspective and to finally be able to learn from them. When I did, at last, glean a lesson it took away almost all of the pain because I transformed it in my own way into something that would make me a better person, a better lover, and ultimately a better Daddy. I now do everything in my power to prevent those things for my son, to help him become a stronger person without manipulation and to give him the positive effects of my lessons without the negativity I endured. I pass on what I learned through what I do and say and in so doing I make their legacy the happiness of my son today.

A message in closing to the boys and Daddies who've experienced similar in their lives:
I know this story can be very difficult to read, but I want you to know there is help out there. Even for men, who are stigmatized AS the abuser, there is help for those of us who have been victims of it. There is a growing awareness of the truth that victims of abuse are not one gender and that males experience it the same way that others do. I want you to reach out, to tell your story and to know you are heard. There is help out there at all times and that you aren't alone. This Daddy knows and understands and I'm not the only one who does. Please, reach out for help when you start to feel like you're falling into the hole left by that kind of pain or if you can't see your way out of it again. Don't hesitate to reach out for that help, it doesn't mean you are weak, it means you are stronger than you believe. I have faith in you, even if you do not, and you can survive this and become better on the other side of it. You just have to try, to hold on to hope, and not surrender that last part of you to their darkness. So please, call the numbers below or look for their equivalent in your country if you aren't in the USA. Daddy believes in you, now it's time to believe in yourself. Take that first step and reach out.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: Call 1-800-273-TALK (8255)

RAINN: 1-800-656-HOPE