Because I am writing this as an absolute foundation level introduction and assuming zero knowledge of the reality of the fantasy I am going to begin with a brief discussion about what the terms used really mean.
Daddy: A Daddy is a dominant figure, quite literally a Dom in relation to those called Sir or even Master. Dominant is the term for the entire spectrum of roles that take that role in this kind of relationship. Daddy is pretty common vernacular for an older male who is both gay and dominant/masculine. It’s been used for ages in that context and in this one maintains that meaning.
son/boy: A son/boy is a submissive, meaning that they yield and defer to the instruction and guidance of their Dom, in this case a Daddy. In this context, son is used in the more generalized paternal sense, as a priest would refer to anyone as son who happened to be male.
Power Exchange: The concept of a power exchange is central to the Dominance and submission found in this kind of situation. The power is, obviously, given by the boy to his Daddy in the form of obedience, respect and control to varying degrees. This goes both ways beyond the surface because a boy maintains, at all times, the power to end a play session entirely or just call for a break through the use of ‘safe words’ he and his Daddy come up with. This is one of the few Cardinal rules of Dad/boy relationships, especially those that branch out into BDSM or kink play in other areas. Breaking the ‘safe rule’ is tantamount to abuse and fully crosses the line into such. Part of a power exchange is trust and the fail safe of the safe word should never be violated.
Dominance: The role of the Dominant figure in a Dom/sub relationship is one who is in control both of activity and of his submissive. This can take many forms from physical dominance where you bodily control your boys movements (aka a bit of rough play) or charismatic dominance through the use of spoken word or more gentle physical stimulus.
submission: A submissive, as part of the power exchange, maintains the ability to use the safe word but in all other situations he chooses to yield to the will, guidance and control of the one he calls Daddy.
The power exchange between submissive and Dominant is what I refer to as the “Dad/boy Dynamic". It is the interaction between the two, Dom and sub, in their roles as Daddy and boy.
Part one: Being a Daddy and what that means.
First off, this is fantasy. There’s no biological relationship involved in what is being discussed. It is, if anything, a form of role play that draws on the archetypes of those words and invokes the highest meaning of them. A Daddy is a guide, a mentor, a teacher, and much more to his boy. Daddy is someone who will protect him, nurture him, and help him to become his best self while he learns to explore his desires and their boundaries.A Daddy is a figure of strength of character, if not body as well, who has at his fingertips a library full of experience and wisdom and understanding. At least, that’s how it feels to a boy. Beyond the mask of “Daddy” there will always be the usual ‘self doubts’ and such but Daddy is a role you’ve chosen to play and so those things get put aside in favor of being the Daddy he deserves. The return on such investment is the adoration, hero-worship, and the devotion of a boy and there’s little better than that in the world.
What traits and skills does a Daddy need to have?
There is no side to this kind of relationship that ‘has it easy’ any more than the other. Both Daddy and boy put forth a lot of effort in this dynamic, but both are rewarded equally. The challenges facing a Daddy require certain kinds of traits and skills to help them manage the situations that can arise. The following are a few of those:Communication and Understanding.
One of the things that I find critical in any form of Dom/sub or BDSM play is communication. To me this is one of the most important skills you can develop and to help teach your boy there is virtually no skill as valuable. As a Daddy you have to understand that a boy may be shy about expressing himself both intimately and sexually. Part of your role is to help create an atmosphere that allows him to ‘come out of his shell’ and begin to explore and integrate his desires into himself safely.
The challenge in that is that he often won’t know what to say, how to explain things he’s feeling or even be aware he’s hiding them. It’s not to be deceptive, it’s simply a matter of being unsure of himself. To deal with this and to guide him to that safe space you have to encourage him to communicate as best as he can without fear of judgement. Being able to do so will foster confidence in his ability to express himself and lead to stronger communication between you both.
You aren’t a therapist and shouldn’t try to be but being able to understand where a boy is coming from and help him to come to terms with his desires and feelings is a very important part of being a Daddy. You are in a unique position, one of respect and guidance in his life. You can help him set boundaries by establishing ‘rules’ for his behavior, set him with tasks that help him overcome his inhibitions and much more because of the authority the role imparts to you as Daddy.
It’s in your hands to know when and where to use ‘the heavy hand’ and force a sit down intervention when it comes to his behavior. If he’s expected to tell you the truth, a lie requires such a moment and as a figure of discipline and Dominance they are a tool you can use to encourage communication. It can be as simple as “We need to talk about xxxxx (insert problem here). Come sit here and lets talk”.
Domination and Leadership
Dominance is expressed though communication, verbal and non, more often than it is through physical force. Yes both have their place and the balance of which is yours to decide you are comfortable with and to be moderated by your boys needs and limits. Words however are a key component of the ‘role play’ of this particular form of Dom/sub.
As illustrated in the example in the section on communication, verbal dominance isn’t raising your voice, shouting while flailing and gesturing. Those indicate a loss of control and diminish your authority. They mean you’ve been ‘pushed’ as some boys will do and that they have ‘won’ the contest between you when they do so.
There are many verbal cues you can use to express dominance: closed sentences, your inflection and tone when you say things, the use of specific words and phrases like ‘good boy’ all become powerful tools to express dominance with a boy without closing lines of communication. A quick, sharp, “Now“ can bring a boy out of his reverie and to attention without yelling, snapping or ever raising a hand.
Being physically dominant can be tricky if you aren’t physically powerful, or appear to be. This is not to say that a ‘smaller’ framed person can’t be physically dominant in every sense that phrase can mean. Learning where a boy’s body bends, where it must lock in place, and where to touch to make his pulse race and knees buckle are all tools of physical dominance above and beyond any bondage or restraint play.
Part of the role of Daddy and the dominance that means is two key phrases that center on the same action: Permission. As the Daddy in the situation the power given you in the exchange is the power to say no or to say yes. A boy retains the no of the safeword but in some scenes does not say ‘no’ to Daddy. This puts the ability to give or deny pleasure to your boy squarely in your hands. You are the ‘keeper’ of his pleasure. If his desire is to please and serve it’s within your purview to outright deny this to him or to allow him to indulge his need.
My advice (and don’t tell boys this) is that you appear to deny but in reality only delay to a point of your choosing. I do this for several reasons; it makes him push himself to stay in control and obey, it gives rise to a moan or a whine from him in disappointment and then later in excitation and release of that tension. Do this right, be dominant and careful with his pleasure and you can guide him to an entirely different kind of pleasure: the kind a true submissive receives from being so to a Dom who is worthy of it.
When thinking about Domination it’s important to put it along side it’s companion trait of Leadership. It’s not enough to be Dominant to be a Daddy, you also must be a leader and a good one at that. You not only need to know where you are going, and taking your boy, but you have to be able to get him there step by tiny step if need be. You know what you’re asking of him, and don’t do so lightly or casually. When you speak to instruct it is with purpose and meaning and you are capable of doing what you ask of him if need be.
A leader understands the value of those who follow him and it is never, ever, as a disposable resource to accomplish some need or goal on their part and a boy does much more than follow you and your orders. A leader engenders trust from others that he wouldn’t blindly do something, that he’s considered it and is acting with reason and wisdom. A leader can make mistakes but will put the effort in to be better as he expects of those ‘beneath’ him.
Where dominance is the application of permission, leadership truly leans more on action and direction. You ‘take control’ of the scene, direct your boy and the activity you two are sharing. You do this in part through the use of dominance play, but also with clear instruction or demonstration. It’s part of your job to take him step by step through things as you instruct him, but it is also important to know when to take your hands ‘off the wheel’ and let him prove that he’s paid attention and learned.
The goal of leadership is to develop a chain of command and obedience so that when you speak it doesn’t need to be questioned because you are trusted by them to make the right choice. A boy may say he’ll do anything for you, but you have to show him what that means and that means taking charge even more than being dominant. You teach best when you lead by example and that is part of what a Daddy is: a natural leader for his boy.
Command vs Demand
This brings me to a very sticky situation that is often mishandled or misunderstood and in order to get you off to a better start I’m going to dismantle this problem now.
There is a whole world of difference between a command and a demand. A command doesn’t need to be shouted or be forceful to be obeyed. There is loyalty, trust and understanding when a command is given that gives it a strong chance of being followed. This however is in very stark contrast to a demand.
The best example I can give to illustrate the difference is a quote: “If you have to remind someone that you are king, then you truly aren’t’. A King commands by right, authority and nobility (quite a bit like a Daddy) but a tyrant (or a toddler) demands because they think they are entitled to obedience.
As a Daddy it is very important to give a command and to demand nothing. Demanding diminishes your power and influence. Screaming ‘respect my authority’ gets you contempt and demanding respect never earns it, giving it does. Demanding comes from a position that has less power than who they are making demands of and that inherent weakness isn’t something you want to allow to creep into your ‘Daddy’ persona.
When being commanding you are being dominant, with very ‘final’ sounding tone and choice of words, making it clear that your boy is to do as he is told without having to stoop to using those words. “do as you’re told”… something went wrong if you have to say that. The same goes with saying “Obey, comply, submit” or anything like them. Obedience is expected of him, not demanded, and your boy willingly gives that to you so there is no need to demand. It makes you look cheap to yell for what you already have.
Confidence and ownership.
Part of being able to be a dominant, commanding leader in a boys life is confidence or at least the perception of it. Everyone has weak moments or falters, but what is important is that you keep moving and don’t let it stop you from being Daddy. You see examples of this when something goes ‘wrong’ during sex and someone gets embarrassed and wants to run away. Then you have to pin them to the bed, remind them who they are and who you are and bring them back around to where you were before the ‘oops’.
The key there is ‘moving on’ without being hindered by it. It doesn’t matter where or when, things go wrong. It’s life but if you let it get the best of you it can erode your confidence which is something a boy looks to his Daddy for.
To that end I have a motto: Own what you do and where you go.
Everything. Everywhere. Whatever the occasion or location, if you are there it is yours. Not in the demanding sense but simply because you were there. You don’t scream for special attention or be petty, you simply are the boss. If you are performing, or walking down the street or shopping in a store, wherever you are belongs to you. It’s that ‘air’ that gets peoples attention without being obnoxious about it. It’s that aura that confidence exudes.
In a more private setting, what you do with your boy requires a sense of ‘ownership’ of the activity. When showing him how good he can feel, be in complete control of yourself and the activity. It’s your show after all and while he’s the lovely assistant from the audience, you are still the magician. When something goes wrong, roll with the punches but maintain ‘ownership’ of the scene. Turn the oops into laughter when you can do so but don’t let it stop your pace or cause you to lose control.
Being confident is no easy trick, nor is it a parlor trick when you are. As you grow accustomed to your role you will grow more confident in performing it and that is a key point: you are playing a role so own it. If you want him to believe you’re the best daddy in the world, then BE that for him. Don’t just pantomime it, make the role part of you when you’re together and really go the distance in making that happen.
A weakness of human nature is reciprocity and gratitude. When you go that distance to be the best Daddy you can, when you REALLY learn to be confident, commanding, dominant and a leader, your boy will become your perfect compliment, the beta to the Alpha, the boy to his Daddy.
Developing Your style.
When considering being a Daddy there can be a lot more than just dirty talk involved. That may be as far as you want to go with this and that’s fine. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with a little light role playing. At no point should you feel pressured to be more than you are comfortable with, and the same is true of your boy. Learn where your interests and boundaries lie and explore them. Figure out what are your ‘limits’ and what are guidelines. If you feel that being a Daddy might be worth experiencing then it is worth exploring.Part of being a Daddy means figuring out what works for you as much as what works for your boy. If you both aren’t having fun then something went sideways and you’ll have to backtrack to put it back on course again. That’s an important thing to pay attention to, and I’ll cover in more detail later, a boy may ‘give in’ because he thinks that’s what he’s supposed to do. The reality is that you two should be checking in with each other “does that feel good Daddy” or ‘you like that boy?’Little things like that are very important to refining your approach and technique with your boy. There is as much give and take in the process as there is decision on your part as the Daddy.
This process involves deciding what ‘kind’ of Daddy you want to be, what fulfills your needs and makes you happiest. One component of the style of Daddy is your views on things like personhood, actualization, and emotional investment.
When it comes to Domination and submission there is a range that can be described using those three terms. On one extreme you have the ‘owner’ who has an ‘object’ for his use, the middle would be the Dom/Sir/Master with his submissive/pet and on the far side from Owner would be Daddy with his boy. It can be seen as a scale, or meter, where there’s little interest in the personhood of a submissive when dealing with the most extreme owners and that increases all the way out to where it becomes a focal point for the relationship on the far side of Dad/boy play.
Emotional investment refers to the apparent presence of affection or love between a Dom and his submissive. The same idea of a scale works here as well where the apparent affection is highest between a Daddy and his boy and least between an owner and an object. This is not to say that there isn’t love, it’s only addressing the apparent presence of it and if that can undermine the ‘scene’. It would certainly be odd to have a dominant figure say he loves his ashtray but not so strange to hear a Daddy say that he loves his boy.
Actualization. This again is another scale. This time it’s looking at personal growth, depth of exploration of sensuality/sexuality, and integrating that into the psyche of your submissive. One of the ‘jobs’ of a Dominant is to help his submissive reach ‘sub-space’ which is when their mind is fully submissive, obedient and they are non longer required to be anything else. Each of the ‘three’ main styles of Dominant approaches this in different ways as best suits their needs and those of their submissives. Each of them is concerned with this element and like the other two each Dom has a different approach to the value of them in his particular style.
You have to decide, for yourself, where you are comfortable and what fits best with your relationship with your boy. Not every boy is built the same, obviously, and so a varied approach tends to yield better results over all. This said, there is more that can be incorporated than just Domination, submission and those scales.
Kink, role play and fetish.
Daddy/boy by definition is all three of these things. It’s considered kink because it’s not vanilla. Vanilla is like normal.. it’s a construct and an arbitrary one that has no real measurable value. Those labels, of course, come from people who don’t participate and so don’t really grasp it the way a Daddy does.While a boy may seek out a Daddy and vice versa because of traits that could be a fetish it’s not all there is to it. That’s like saying a preference for blue eyes is a fetish, it’s not. Being a Daddy or a boy is a way of mutual expression and shared enjoyment, bottom line the same as any other kind of relationship. It’s not even that strange after you’ve been a Daddy for a while but it can seem so from the outside and even for you for a time. Once you’ve adjusted to being responsible, in control and being “Daddy” as you are comfortable, you’ll come to find there’s little about it that’s even odd.
Part of the umbrella that includes this form of Domination and submission is a whole realm of activities that are considered kink as well. From spanking, to bondage, water sports, and much more, there really aren’t limits to what you can do together that you don’t set together.
Many boys enjoy being spanked as well as Daddies often enjoy administering them. The important thing is to explore together and discover what you both enjoy. With compromise, cooperation and communication you can both safely explore the limits of your ability to share pleasure and I highly encourage such when those three things are present..
Role play on the other hand is a very valid point. What we do, for many reasons, is a form of role play. Consider it like acting and you have a part to play in a scene. This is, in fact, the source for the vernacular of ‘scene’ and ‘play’ because they aren’t to say it’s not serious or deep, but to remind others that it’s meant to be enjoyed as you play out a fantasy. Role play itself has so many varieties that it’s impossible to really cover even an introduction to it, but what matters most about all of them is language.
The word choice, the way things are said, are all important parts of this kind of sexual activity. Even more than being physically dominant or older or anything else, the words you use as a Daddy have the power to stimulate. Part of the process of helping a boy come out of his shell and get to know his desires while learning to express them is discovering the right words to say along the way.
Enjoyment of the ‘familial’ fantasy can be part of this for some, but only some. In their fantasies they act out scenes of ‘home life’ and play parts according to the mental script for it. From the soccer coach and star player to the priest and altar boy, these are fantasies being explored and played out as the people involved adopt the role of their choice. There’s nothing of reality to any of it, but as part of a scene you get to participate in the interactive experience of fulfilling fantasies together.
One element to role play that isn’t often viewed as such is that of the ‘boy wife’ or the use of non-sexuality appropriate things. The language used is a major part of those fantasies. The idea of impregnating a boy is scientifically and medically impossible (currently) but it is a serious turn on for some people to play out that kind of scene.
The unifying theme to these elements is that they are forms of expression through acting out various fantasies or simply by adopting the roles as a more regular part of the time spent together. That’s the core element of Daddy that matters, that it’s part of who you are to them and for whatever reason they have decided so, it’s the role you get to play. Being a Daddy isn’t just a facet of who you are, it’s something a boy enables and gives you the ability to be because without him you aren’t really being a Daddy without being with a boy who pins that medal on your chest.
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