Dear Daddy: I'm a trans boy and I worry that I'll never find someone who wants me.

I'm a trans boy and I worry sometimes that I'll never find a Daddy who wants a son like me. I don't know why I am sharing this with you other than you feel like a safe space.

I will always be safe space. My home is a haven of peace, tranquility, safety and trust and this blog is my virtual home so those rules apply here as well. Don’t apologize for using your voice and reaching out. You’d only need to be sorry for not doing so because it would deny me the chance to take this moment with you and use it to impart a bit of my hard earned wisdom with you and those who read my blog.

---

I’m going to respond to this a few way so bear with me. First is in the words of others, because sometimes it’s good to hear what someone else said and not just my voice:
“ at first i came to this blog for the porn and then i found your trans tag and i bookmarked and i go through it whenever i’m struggling and i literally could not have found this at a more opportune time. so i wanted to say thank you for being so kind and accepting “

I have written extensively, and often about issues surrounding boys like you in the BDSM community but especially the D/s Daddy and boy realm. I wonder sometimes, if non-trans boys read my responses to those questions because they address SO many of the same issues that I forget who got told what which is why they begin to sound alike to me, because they are. This time however, it is not about any of those things; not trans, not BDSM, not D/s.

It’s about being human.

It can feel like ‘never’ may be the most likely expectation when you think about finding love because ‘yet’ is still in play. You have yet to find what you’re looking for and so ‘never’ becomes an acceptable way to excuse the cowardice of surrendering the implicit hope that yet entails. If that sounds cruel, it should because it is meant to wake you up because I truly wish you to see what I am about to show you.
At night, the sun will never come up for the same reason that you’ll never find a Daddy: it hasn’t happened yet. Every time I hear a boy say “I’ll never be..” or “I’ll never find…” it frustrates me because those words become prophesy. You begin to believe them, accept them and even feel like that’s ‘right or proper’ somehow but I have something to say on that idea as well.
There is no such thing as ‘right’ or ‘just’ in the mechanics of the universe. We invent those terms, we give them rules and identify what is and isn’t them, but they are nowhere to be found in the natural world. They are the sole province of opinion and superstition. They are bitter pills dispensed by ideologies that punish instead of elevate those who walk this earth and are the ‘excuse’ given to people enacting vengeance or acting on their base violent natures.
Concepts of mercy, justice, honor, glory, all of them, are figments of culturally accepted imagination. The universe doesn’t even recognize them as anything more than fairy tales and so they are. They are a construct we created to serve a moral compass that has become twisted into weapons instead of teaching tools. The good are rewarded and the evil punished. Strange how that doesn’t work out.
If we wish there to be more in this world than chemicals and forces, principles and laws, then it is up to us to create them, to reinforce them and re-envision them as time goes on. We must believe them real and we must act on them to make them so but they do not exist independently of our own desire for a world that somehow makes sense. It doesn’t always but that doesn’t stop us from trying too hard to give it some kind of order. It’s how we explain things to ourselves so we feel better about bad things in our lives. The fact of the matter is that it’s just not at all how reality functions but that won’t stop us from trying to make it that way.
The heart is an impatient thing son and a terrible paradoxical thinker when left unchecked. It understands eternity but has the patience of smoke on the breeze. It wants everything now, to drown in laughter and joy this very moment and every moment forever. The heart is the child that lives within us all, but reality requires us be more than childish. We have to be resolute, determined and most of all hopeful, to make it through the times between tick ‘I’m alone’ and tock ‘I’m not’.
That’s the secret however. When you find love, everything past becomes prologue to the ‘ever after’ feeling of this new story and all pain is simply prelude to the joy that follows. The waiting becomes a footnote, a rehearsal, and you barely remember that feeling of absence or being alone. You may wait a lifetime, but even if it were to show up in the last minutes of your life, not a single moment would have been wasted. You just have to make it there and you’ll understand what I mean.
That’s why you have to put ‘yet’ in the place where ‘never’ sits in your thoughts. Never is a silly word, as are all generalities, because they are in essence lies told to reinforce a desired (or dreaded) feeling. “I’ll never find a Daddy” is no more accurate than “Man will never fly”. They didn’t give up believing in their dream and never stopped working toward it and then they wound up doing the impossible: they flew.
Your heart must be the same way son. You may never have flown before, but after this moment the only thing you can say that IS true is that you haven’t flown yet.
Yet is temporary, irritating and can be daunting at times, but it is not permanent. Don’t let the wrong word change the story in your head because that lets it change the one in your heart. All that believing in “never” does is keep your eyes pointed to the ground, your expression crestfallen and hopeless, and makes you withdraw from the light because ‘what’s the point, you’ll be alone anyway”. Never is a lie and it’s time to replace that lie with the truth.
That can be a hard trick though because the lie is comfortable. The lie means no risk because you don’t believe you’d be ‘rewarded’ or ‘succeed’ so it eliminates the chance of pain for nothing. That is why I called it cowardice, because it sacrifices hope in exchange for nothing and somehow tries to make it right or just to do so. It makes me ask a terrible question in return when faced with that kind of ‘prophesy’ in play:
Think of how long you’ve felt alone. How long you’ve felt wrong or undeserving. Be honest with yourself about it. How long have you hated yourself so much that you think yourself unlovable? Think about how that made you feel and what it made you do. Did you meet the gaze of everyone you met, shake every offered hand, share every laugh that happened around you, or did you close your eyes and walk past the person smiling at you or trying to start conversations. Why bother right? It’s not like they wanted something more from you.
Given how the universe actually works, in all that time do you have any idea how many times you walked right past happiness, how many times you shrugged off the compliments love was trying to pay you, and worse how many times you buried your eyes in the ground and narrowly avoided realizing you are beautiful?
THIS is the price of never. It makes itself come true but not because the world doesn’t have it in store for you but because YOU never. You never meet those gazes, share those laughs, smile and say thank you to a compliment. You never take the chance that the hand reaching for you wants to see if you are real because to them you couldn’t possibly be, having walked into view after exiting their dreams. You choose this when you believe in never and after long enough you become the Never.

It’s time to start becoming yet.

You, and all who feel like you; that there’s no place or hope for you, need to abandon never and learn to accept yet. It’s hard because it means risk, it means that dreadful waiting, but yet has hope of becoming the past while never can’t ever be. There are things you can do to change never into yet, but you have to accept those risks in order to make them happen.
When you think, stop yourself the moment you say to yourself ‘this can never happen’ and replace it with ‘this hasn’t happened yet’. Instead of “I’ll never find my Daddy” say “I haven’t found him yet”. Try it and you’ll see the difference and if you can’t then you keep doing that until you start to.
So simple a thing can be a profound change in you well beyond even just your way of thinking.It can lead you to meet that gaze, share that smile, shake that hand or even (dare I say it) accept the compliment someone might seek to give you.
It doesn’t mean you leap into every pair of arms that happens by, but it means you don’t keep your eyes cast to the ground so that you never see that they are there to begin with. It means instead of hanging your head that you might see a little sunlight instead of the shadow around your feet. It means so much more than this: it means that love has a chance to replace yet.

Promise me.

Promise me that when you begin to hear yourself say never that you will stop right there and forcefully remind yourself that the correct word is yet. You’ve been using the wrong word your whole life and now it’s time to learn to use the right one. It’s like calling a television a bathmat. It’s just the wrong word you’ve learned to say out of habit and it’s time to break that habit. You have to take this step to take the next one and the one after that and so on because life is a journey and not a series of destinations.
Restore your hope, disregard that fallacy of never, and take the first steps towards something better even than yet:

Always.