Dear Daddy: sometimes I feel guilty about fantasizing about Daddies.

Sometimes I feel guilty for fantasizing about daddies. I am 30 years old and recently had a three way with a bottom and a top. The bottom was 24, the top ended up being 51. I topped as well. The weird thing was that when the bottom was getting fucked by the daddy they began being verbal. Calling each other daddy and son. Over and over. I was weirded out at first then aroused. Ever since I look for that. Daddies etc. I feel guilty that i enjoy it and i wish i could change how I feel.

There’s nothing to be ashamed of here. Not your desire nor your fear of discovering this part of yourself. Full stop. This is part of you, what you choose to do with it is up to you, but I will say that i’ve been down the same road you’re on now. I didn’t like the idea. Didn’t like the language or the fact that it some how seemed to hang on things like age or build. It left a bad taste in my mouth whenever I even thought about using ‘those words’ because something about it wasn’t right. I know now that the thing that wasn’t right was me.
I brought baggage. I brought ageist resentment. I brought shame, and hurt, and anger. I brought all those things and piled them up to make a wall between myself and what my ‘boy’ was trying to show me. I was downright petulant about it. There was so much of my past hammering it’s way into that time that it’s no wonder things became unpleasant for a time. Had I not freed myself from the resentments of the past, from multiple partners who left me for a ‘daddy’ type or cheated on me with such, I might not be here to speak to this as I am now.
We had a very rough patch when this began to be talked about. I was the “Daddy” but it was my boy who snapped me out of being so childish and blind about myself. He didn’t pin the title to me because I was older, or bigger, or hairier or anything as trivial as that. He wanted the parts of me that hid from that word to come out, and truly they are the best parts of me. He was patient, even kind, about explaining what HE meant by the word and then I did indeed feel ashamed. I’d been an ass. Once past all that, the world changed.
When it comes to ‘all this’, I can’t imagine a valid reason why you should feel remotely ashamed and whatever the true source is for that feeling it’s got little or nothing to do with the men you call “Daddies”. You caught a glimpse of a ‘secret world’ that many do not ever get to see and you found yourself being called ‘home’ by what you felt then. You heard Him call his boy by his rightful title, and vice versa and that sound began to shake loose part of you that had been buried or chained up out of fear or shame. You might have repressed it so well as to not even know it was there until that part of you was briefly exposed to that kind of relationship.

It’s different. In fairness, its like nothing else I’ve ever experienced. Parts of me that I had no idea existed suddenly came to life, powered by the trust and love given me by my boy. You saw it then, when you were given the privilege of sharing their bed. You saw what happens when that kind of love, trust and bond is shared between two people. You shouldn’t feel ashamed for wanting something like that. It’s profound. It can ‘change the game’. For you however, it sounds like it has the power to set you free.
I say this because of how you reacted to it. At first the feeling was dark, perhaps frightening, but then you discovered that you ached for something you’d never imagined before.  That you found yourself wanting what the boy was experiencing, that connection to his Daddy and their powerful intimacy, means you identify with his role. While you felt pain that and even the fear, are natural and not to feel ashamed of.  A dormant part of you woke up and in your flurry of emotions, you are unsure how to identify it or what words to label it with. Trust me here: don’t. Don’t get caught up in words or the ideas they represent.
You see it’s actually not about the language, the choice of titles or words, but those are tools to ‘recognize’ those things in the other and to give honor to them. They are, pardon the perversion of the term while simultaneously exemplifying it’s truth: our Namaste. “I recognize, honor and revere, the boy within you”. Sounds about right to me. From the other side as well. It’s about the greatest version of those terms being something within someone and words become a tool, a form of permission, to be those things. (at least that’s my meaning when I call another boy ‘son’ who isn’t ‘mine’).
Think about it from within it. Imagine the following:
There is someone in your world who makes you feel safe in a way you had no idea you needed. His touch melts stress and worry from your body and you cannot help but sigh as your shape begins to meld to his. You aren’t ‘with’ your lover here, you are home in a sense that goes beyond even that word. It’s where you can be yourself without fear, to play and laugh and be gentle without judgement. Dare I say that the last part is the most terrifying for people. Then comes that timeless feeling of always having been, and always being from here forward, and you get a sense of rightness and of  being home truly for the first time perhaps. It’s acceptance, welcome, and so much more.

So consider this my challenge for you: Stop. Those feelings aren’t really yours. If they were you’d not have reacted as you did to being in their intimate moment together. You had an awakening and that’s scary. It’s a lot like recognizing your own sexuality/gender: knowing you’re different is frightening but you need to remember that you’re not alone in any of this. There are people who understand, have been there, or just have a basic clue about being human. Most of us have come out over at least one or two things in our lives and that means learning to put ‘shame’ to bed because shame has no place here.
Take a breath and sift through those feelings. Put your mind back there and walk through it slowly, talking to yourself about what you’re feeling. LISTEN to yourself. Did your pulse race, or did your breathing become slow and shallow. Did you feel like electricity was rushing over your skin or did you feel something else, something new, entirely. Ask the questions. Seek the answers. When you find them, don’t just accept them. Interrogate those answers. Once you come down to a simple response to the question:
Is this what I really want?
Then you can relax in your self interrogation because you’ll know, and most likely reach, exactly what I said before. You’re here, reading my words, so it’s a good bet that you’re simply having a bout of ‘buyers remorse’ when it comes to fantasy/porn, but in so you’ve discovered something important or it wouldn’t be able to have this kind of impact on you. Take your time, don’t torture yourself over how you feel but the better you know your own feelings about this the greater the chance you’ll actually be able to reach the eventual goal of seeking what your heart seems to say you need. When you reach that place, we’ll still be here when you begin your search, you won’t be alone in your journey.
Until such a time as you reach yourself and then reach out from that place of understanding and the dawning of becoming a boy:

Namaste.