How I met my son.

A few days after my 30th birthday he and I started talking because of his one line ad on yahoo personals. I'd responded to begin with because it was just that sort of 'I need someone to talk to because I feel alone' sort of thing. We talked for a few days and his initial shyness (as it turns out other 'daddies' had talked to him before me but they were exactly why I use the lower d in some cases) began to fade and his personality started to shine through. I got a picture of a sweet, goodhearted person who just needed to feel less lonely. I'd been in a good place where I didn't need to find someone and was OK being alone, so I was comfortable just talking with him. No picture trading, not even faces for quite a while after we started talking. So we really did begin to fall in love with the minds on the other side of the email, the voice on the phone and the way we made each other feel. We were very open and honest from the start and decided to not to see each other at all for a few months even though he was only an hour from where I lived. We spoke or emailed every day for quite a while before we set a date to finally meet,by then we had shared our faces so we'd know who to look for when we did meet but even then we'd already set rules. No matter how we felt, sex was off the table our first date. I agreed but with one caveat, I promised to give him a kiss when I saw him. I don't think he believed I would.

I was going to meet him at a store in his town (i chose it so he could bail and be close to home or not far from people he might know. I wanted him to feel safe and being close to home meant a better chance of that) but neither of us realized that store was closed the day we were going to meet. Nearby there was a shop so I browsed while I waited until the time we were supposed to meet because I was very early (I was nervous).  I caught something out of the corner of my eye and glanced at the window to see the back of a head walking by. Somehow I was absolutely positive it was him. I went out the front door but he was moving a long at a good clip, looking for me. I called out his name, but it was a main street row of stores so there were people talking and he didn't hear me. I picked up the pace and called out a few more times but he stayed just out of range and at a certain point, I began to think I'd been wrong. I tried one more time and he stopped but didn't turn around. So I stopped and repeated his name. He turned around and I could see on his face that he was nervous. Once he saw me, that faded and was replaced by a big smile and I knew I'd found the right person. I think we both expected the usual, that we'd sent old pictures and looked different now. Neither of us had, otherwise we might not have recognized each other at all, but it was my voice that made him turn around.

I walked up and before we could say anything more than hello I stepped in and said "if it's OK with you, I'd like to keep my promise now." He smiled and nodded which was all I needed. I wrapped one arm around him, putting my palm in the small of his back and the other hand rested behind his neck and I leaned him back a little and gave him a long slow kiss. It felt like I'd been waiting years to do that. He blushed, looked halfway between fainting and being in bliss, so I didn't let him go just yet. We stayed there for a minute or two before having to shaking off that moment even though neither of us wanted to. We'd set plans for what we wanted to do, but it was clear both of us regretted setting a time limit on how long our first 'date' would last. We walked for quite a while, talking, holding hands when alone because for some reason after that kiss we'd suddenly gotten cautious about being affectionate in public. After that Hollywood kiss, I can't imagine drawing more attention by holding hands, but in that moment that's how we played out the date.

We spent time on the waterfront, enjoying the view of the bay and it really wasn't until that moment, when we'd been walking for an hour, that it finally set in that it was the coldest part of winter and we should have been freezing. Neither of us were remotely cold, but we had planned to have an early lunch so we set off to get something to eat. Sitting there, neither of us could concentrate on ordering so we sat and talked.The occasional hand grab across the table, the quiet smiles and more than occasional blushing were great excuses to not care about eating. We did eventually eat then went back out to walk for a while longer before parting ways. It was probably the hardest thing I had to do to be 'responsible' and keep my word, but we made plans to see each other again soon and in the in between time we called and wrote daily. We kept contact, never let go and somewhere between the day we started talking and our second date, "I love you" had come into the conversation and quickly became something we said all the time. 

The next ten years (almost 11 now) everyday has ended the same way. The last thing we say before sleeping is some variation of I love you to each other. Neither of us can sleep without saying it anymore. If he sleeps before me, I snuggle close and whisper it in his ear. That's how it was and how it still is. Reality is never so fairy tale, and there have been ups and downs and some pretty hard heartbreaks over the years, but even when things are bad, we never go to bed angry and end the day the same way we always have by saying  "I love you.".