Have you ever considered having your own children?

I'm pretty sure you're not interested in having actual kids or adopting (correct me if i'm wrong) but do you think you'd make a good actual father? I feel like some people are just naturally kinda fatherly or motherly and I'm curious to know if that's how you would describe yourself or if others would describe you in that way.

I believe that to a degree being a ‘caregiver’ is both inherent and instilled in us to varying degrees. Some are more inclined toward being one, that much is evident, but anyone can learn to be at least a good parent even though the definition of such varies from person to person and comes with a mountain of expectations. What follows here is not to aggrandize or inflate my own ego, they are statements of fact because I know where the best parts of my caregiver side come from. 

In the course of my life I have always been a ‘caregiver’ and for me that title transcends ‘gender’ labeling. Some, quite seriously, call me ‘mommy’ as well as ‘Daddy’ or whatever variant they are comfortable with because it’s that kind of place I tend to occupy without trying. I don’t choose that, I don’t push to take the parental role or be the ‘alpha’ in a group. It just happens by virtue of who and what I am. I actually prefer to not be in such a role, to be behind the curtain or off to the side, because the spotlight isn’t ‘my’ place but I seem to wind up there time and time again.

I would not describe myself as a ‘father’ because I prefer parent. The idea of “Father” limits what I do to a set of stereotyped activities in most people’s minds and I will not be bound by such in my role as caregiver. I have, and always will, kiss booboos, sew buttons back on pants, cook meals, do housekeeping, tend the defenses that keep the ‘stress’ of the world outside the home and I will never slouch in my banishment of under-bed monsters. I am comfortable being everything as needed even when that goes beyond being just a ‘father’.

I have explored the options, in the past, of adoption or fosterage but not in a very long time now and I have innumerable reasons for that but most are excuses if I were to be honest. I feel that moment has passed some time ago and that to do so now would be depriving them of a lifetime I can no longer offer. Ironic how that very thought is one I scold other people for when it comes to their choice of partners.

I am not someone who ‘separates’ via titles: A parent is a parent, just as a child is your real child if you adopt them into your life and heart . To me being a ‘good’ father I really cannot speak because I don’t believe that any parent feels they are ‘good’ at it as success in parenting comes from progress ‘reports’ and results over time. At the time one never really knows how it will play out and so I can’t really say I would be a good father/mother/parent because the only experience I have had was one that I consider to be a failure.

Consider yourself warned: Truth lies beyond the here. Take your answer and be satisfied or read beyond it: the choice is yours but I felt like a warning was required. The story below is most definitely a trigger for some.

Everyone has their cornerstone, an event or series of events that changes their life and it’s often one of life shattering pain. In my early twenties I had mine because of a tragedy and it ended with even more pain than I could comprehend. To this day I am still processing it because it IS my cornerstone and I will live with it for the rest of my life: I was  a father of three and the experience shaped many of my feelings about the value of a human life and the importance each of us has even though we may never truly feel it.

The death of a dear friend, who only days before had me become an unofficial ‘god parent’ to his children, found me with not one, but three, in my life. He’d asked me to act in his stead should anything happen, and I’d taken a vow to do that very thing. I’d been a part of their life from the beginning and was the ‘favorite uncle’ because, lets be honest,  they weren’t my kids so I spoiled the hell out of them. For a very long while they had been part of my world and his question made me realize just how important they had become to me. His death led me face to face with the reality that it wasn’t a matter of what he or I wanted, but what the law would allow.

The details of the rest of the story aren’t important to your question. What matters is that yes, I was a father for a time, and instead of becoming jaded by the pain of losing them to ‘legislation’ because I was ‘unfit’ as a gay man, I made it something to deepen my compassion and caring for others. I was ready to close the world off the day the black vans came to take them, but for one shining moment one of them reminded me what it was worth even briefly: everything. As they forcefully pulled them to the van one broke free, not to flee but to run to me for one last hug. It was the moment my world ended and began at the same time.

Now they are grown, with families and homes all their own and I’ve seen none of it. The circumstances were such that it wasn’t possible or advisable in the wisdom of state agents. I quite imagine having an openly gay man in contact with your children would make prejudiced and ignorant people nervous. I understood and kept my distance. Now those days are distant memories for them, though for me they must remain fresh because for one shining moment I understood that I didn’t need to be biological to be a father. In that same moment I also touched the unfathomable sadness, and madness that follows, a loss that cannot be described.

The reason I say this is because there is a key point in the story. They had been left by their mother after the third was born and when their father died their closest kin took them in only to abandon them again which left them with no one to turn to. I saw them struggle to understand the betrayal, the loss and the feeling of worthlessness that gave them. I did my best to remind them these things only felt true but were not so, but there’s only so much one can do in the face of ‘evidence’ like that.
So when you hear me speak to the importance each of us has, to the value your life has in spite of such events and to the love we have in our lives that we can’t really see or believe could still be waiting for us, I have very good reasons for such things.

If it were not for these boys, and the tragedy surrounding them, I would never have known the door existed in my heart that they opened. I’d never remotely considered being a ‘parent’ or really a caregiver of any kind. I’d written all that off by virtue of being gay but in one parting hug that door was ripped from its hinges and I won’t put it back up again. The wake of this has not only changed me but saved lives.

For decades now I have been the ‘man behind the curtain’ the ‘secret santa’ who finds those in most dire need and then this old grinch rides up and drops off trash bags so that mom and dad can be the ones to put things under trees. I know the names of every angel in my home state and they know mine because when I call it’s because the need is greatest.

I’ve raised funds and hell to keep shelters open, food on the shelves for the community in times of crisis. I’ve helped organize disaster relief and individual response plans so that should something horrible happen that there could be a glimmer of hope to start the healing process. I have made my ‘free time’ into something that brings change and it is entirely because of them and the loss we all endured together.

I know what it means to lose someone that close three times over. I know what it means to lose a home and a parent because I shared that time with them. I know what it means to have nothing under the tree or on the table and I know how worthless you feel when someone you love or call family discards you. I know these pains because of them and so it is because of them that I have done as much as can be done to keep them from happening to another person in my corner of the world. I am no fool who thinks I can reshape the universe by spite alone but I do know that in my ‘home’ I can move mountains when the need arises and I learned all this because I knew what it meant to be a parent for one brief moment.

Would I be a good father? Who knows. I only know that what would have been the ‘best years’ to be one have passed but have not been ‘wasted’ because of the lesson I learned and what I did with that lesson. Even here, on this blog, you get to see that part of me when I speak to boys who have given up hope. So you can say that what you read here is due, in part, to three boys who never called me ‘daddy’ but helped shape the “Daddy” you’ve come to know.

Dear Daddy: How can I help my Daddy with his ED?

Hello Sir, I’m a boy who has introduced his daddy to being a Daddy and he’s taking pretty well to it. However there is a little hiccup, not a problem exactly, we have workarounds and I take it part and parcel of dating much older. but how would you and your son deal with you having some ED and viagra not always helping? Thank you.          

Son, there are a few things that can be done to help with Erectile Dysfunction. I’m going to assume your Daddy is an older male which often comes with a longer period of required stimulation and longer refractory period (aka the ‘recharge’ window) and that can lead to difficulty maintaining an erection that go round. There are several exercises he can do that will help maintain stronger erections and are benefits in many more ways than that for male sexual and internal health.

Note:

I am not a medical professional and this is not ‘medical advice’. It is information passed on from studies and clinical experience of others and should be taken as a ‘starting point’ and not to replace a visit to your doctor to discuss alternatives to Viagra. This should happen first as it may prevent using some of these ideas, but they can be brought to the physician to discuss their incorporation safely.

---

First Up: I wrote this lesson with boys in mind to improve their sexual performance and gain fine muscle control but it is clinically proven to work for erection strength, ejaculation and even more. This should definitely be investigated further but remember: there is no real benefit to ‘additional’ aides in training so there’s no need to spend 200 or more on an “ED men’s kegel kit”. You can do this at home, at work, on the bus, in the car and no one will ever know so do it often and reap the benefits.
Pelvic Floor Muscle Training. 

How do I know what muscles to tighten?

The first step is to correctly identify the muscles. Sit comfortably - your thighs, buttocks and tummy muscles should be relaxed. Lift and squeeze inside as if you are trying to hold back urine, or wind from the back passage. This may be easiest to actually use the muscles for real by taking a shower and practicing being able to focus on just that specific muscle. It takes practice and you shouldn’t hold a stream for too long, so the shower part is just to identify which to tighten. After that, practice it dry and anywhere you find the time.

If you are unable to feel a definite squeeze and lift action of your pelvic floor, don’t worry. Even people with very weak muscles can be taught these exercises.

If you feel unsure whether you have identified the correct muscles, try to stop your flow when passing urine, then restart it. Only do this to identify the correct muscles to use - this is a test, NOT an exercise.

If you are unable to feel a definite tighten and lift action in your pelvic floor muscles you should seek professional advice.

How do I start pelvic floor muscle training program?

At first you may need to perform these exercises while sitting. As the muscles strengthen you can progress to exercise standing up. Like any activity, start with what you can achieve and progress from there. Remember to use your muscles whenever you exert yourself during your daily activities.

If you can feel the muscles working, exercise them by:

1. Squeezing/ tightening and drawing in and up around both your anus (back passage) and urethra (bladder outlet). Lift up inside and try to hold this contraction strongly for as long as you can (1 - 10 seconds). Keep breathing! Now release and relax. You should have a definite feeling of letting go.

2. Rest 10 - 20 seconds - repeat Step 1, and remember it is important to rest. If you find it easy to hold, try to hold longer and repeat as many as you are able. Work towards 12 long, strong holds.

3. Now try 5 - 10 short, fast strong contractions.

do NOT hold your breath

do NOT push down instead of squeeze and lift

do NOT pull your tummy in tightly

do NOT tighten your buttocks and thighs.

Try to set aside 5 - 10 minutes in your day for this exercise routine, and remember, quality is important. A few good contractions are more beneficial than many half-hearted ones and good results take time and effort. Remember to use the muscles when you need them most. That is, always tighten before you cough, sneeze, lift, bend, get up out of a chair, etc.

Now that we have covered how the exercises are done here are some reasons why you want to do them regularly. These exercises have additional benefits for men, like being able to sustain an erection for longer, improving your ejaculation/orgasm contractions, helping with bowel control and regularity and so on. The benefits of these should make them a must have for a daily health routine.

Second Diet Change:

You will find that a nitrate rich diet that enhances testosterone levels safely will be the most effective in this area.The following is a brief list of foods that have proven abilities to help with sexual function in men:
Garlic: Garlic is practically the king of these foods. Ever wonder about the stereotyped  ‘Italian’ libido? It’s strongly related to the amount of garlic in the diet. It directly improves blood flow, increases testosterone levels (which are essential) and studies have shown that it is more effective to increase garlic consumption than the Big Pharma solutions of Viagra and the like.
High Nitrate Greens: Things like Spinach, Kale, butter greens and so on.
Beets: when it comes to Nitrates, Beets are at the top of the list so add them whenever and wherever possible (and reasonable).
Citrus: Important over all but this too boosts vascular strength (and helps drastically reduce risks of stroke/heart attack in older men).
Dark Chocolate. No, I don’t mean a candy bar. I mean Raw Cacao. This is a real superfood because it can lower blood pressure, improve vascular performance (can you say double the nutrient benefit to vascular wall strenght)  and boosts the  nitric oxide functions in the body. The higher the concentration of cacao the better.
Chili Peppers: Chili is your friend in this arena: It helps protect testosterone from being broken down when on a diet, vastly improves vascular health and circulation, reduces blood pressure, the list goes on.
Blueberries: These little beauties are loaded with lavonoids and phenols that are well known for their benefits to  systems that support erectile strength and blood pressure. (quercetin, resveratrol, proantocyanidin, and of course the good old vitamin C).
Pomegranate: Antioxidant-rich fruit is extremely beneficial to hormone systems and the Ole Pom is your best friend in this arena. Strong reduction in arterial plaque, is just the start here.
Oysters: I saved this for last because not everyone can eat them but they can take a lesson from the folklore and the real science behind it. Oysters are high in testosterone production vitamins which explains there famous reputation. These vitamins ( zinc, magnesium, selenium, copper, and vitamin D ) can be taken in supplements but I personally believe that there is more to a vitamin than a powdered residue, so getting it from the source is best.

  A more general change in exercise can help, and some can be a shared/fun experience.

Aerobic exercise. Please don’t think I mean ‘steps’ or ‘gym’ routines. Those work great but I’m getting at something more intimate/duo related: Dance. Dance together, learn a style you enjoy that involves a lot of movement and build up to doing at least a 15 minute routine daily. Taking this page from the Addams family is wise because it brings you both closer together and takes that ‘pressure’ to exercise off and makes it fun.
Start simple, start slow and small, but work your way up to really dancing up a storm. At my peak dance was the only cardio/aerobic exercise I did and just going out dancing once or twice a week made an enormous difference to my sex drive.
Push ups: This too can be a fun game if you get creative. get some repetitions in to help with upper body conditioning/toning and you’ll start to see a difference.

Now to put it all together: There are a lot of pieces of information here that can seem difficult to assemble but I can give you an illustration about how to make them work together.
1: Shower time fun. Get your Pelvic floors warm ups done in the shower. That also lets you practice the ‘throttling’ of the urine stream. Warm water to help stretch the surface muscles gets you ready for the day.
2: Breakfast:  A light breakfast of oranges, pomegranate and blueberries. If you want, you can blend them into a shake with yogurt (the good kind that has the actual biotics needed for intestinal health) and have them on the go.
3: Morning Jog or brunch dancing. Depending on what schedules are like take at least 15 minutes to go for a jog (or a ‘vigorous’ walk) or to dance together. Yes you can do the dancing on your own. Be shameless about it. Be sexy together or just have fun.
4: Lunch: A garlic and greens salad.
5: Dinner: Garlic oysters with a spicy salad.
6: Evening “Cardio”: You get the drift here. Go out dancing together, get a long walk, go to bed early…. what matters is that you get your heart rate up and take in more oxygen.

I can’t emphasize the importance of fun enough. Find ways to add it. Being happy, finding joy, are critical to combating the potential psychological side effects of having difficult with erections.

Fighting those psychological issues is it’s own lesson but know that depression is the king of ED. A perfectly healthy person suffering from depression can find everything not working right with them physically. Those are doubly hard to combat because they are self-reinforcing and take a more consistent change to being to treat.

For now you have more than enough tools and tips to really start the process.

Don’t forget to consult a physician to approve the changes and see what he suggests and try his first before starting all of these. Some you can do anyway and probably should but take this with a ‘grain of salt’ as advice and not a consultation.

I wish you the best of luck and many happy, bouncing, erections!

Daddy's lessons: I am not.

Lessons from Daddy: “I am not”.

I am not:

I am not:

I am not:

I am not:

I am not any of these things you see in pictures or movies or on personal sites. I’m not 6’4 215lbs of muscle, dusted with hair and blessed with a huge cock. I am not anything you’d remotely think was a “Daddy” if this is what you think a Daddy is..
I am:

I am:

I am:

What I am is what you read here. I hold back nothing, hide nothing and pull no punches here. This is my space to be me and my way of sharing my world with my boy and show you that there are other ways to be. It’s not fiction you read, all of my captions are about us in one way or another. The only exception is the ones about ‘little brother’, but those are how we both would wish it to be.
But most importantly, what I am has nothing to do with what you see, what you read, or what you think a Daddy should be. What I am is my boy’s Daddy bear and that is all that matters.

This, by the way, is how I feel when I snuggle my boy:

It’s how you should feel too because it doesn’t matter what you think of yourself or if he’s out of your league. He’s the one who chose you, and while you may think him insane or blind, what you see isn’t important. He sees someone he loves, you just need to accept it and get about the business of returning that feeling.
No one is perfect to everyone else but that’s not important. You are already perfect to the right person. So don’t fret about what you are and aren’t that someone else would judge you for. To your Daddy, you’re the boy he’s been looking for. There is no word, none, that you can use to describe yourself that isn’t sexy to someone.
You may feel broken, damaged or useless and you may pray that someone loves you in spite of that but that’s not what love is. They will love you because of those things. They have made you strong but most of all they have brought you to where they want you: in their arms. Once there the only thing that will stop you from being happy is ‘am and am not’. Put them aside and stop wasting the energy you could be spending loving each other by worrying about am and am not.

Daddy's lessons on anatomy: The Prostate

Everything you wanted to know about the Prostate but were afraid to ask! 

(yes that’s a reference to an old Woody Allen movie but no, it won’t be EVERYTHING just a few handy notes and some educational images).

#1 Unpretty. 

Nothing about our bodies is pretty on the inside. It’s all complicated machinery that took a few million years to ‘get right’. Well.. as right as we are currently and there’s a lot of room for improvement. We are only at our most beautiful when whole (see what I did there, eh? EH? oh shut up. I’m trying here this stuffs nasty on this level). Also taking a few seconds: whole in my philosophy has no external markers. Period. Whole is a state of ‘self’. Bla bla bla. This isn’t about the ‘cosmos’ it’s about what’s that button do.

I show you this not as something to memorize but something to start the conversation. This is insanely complex but it’s NOT complicated! You aren’t headed for an MD, you’re after a PO (prostate orgasm) but the two really do walk together for a while before parting ways. The more you know about what goes on the more you can control it and that’s an important thing if you want to be something beyond a squishy pink sock someone shoves their frustration into.

Even then, I advocate education because you’ll wind up in the DIY zone more often than you should.

#2 Big Red Button.
Stimulating said button requires understanding a bit of the muscular tracts in the area. The difference between anus, rectum and anal canal for starters. Most of the ‘good stuff’ feeling wise happens in the ‘yellow area’. That’s where you have most muscle control and as such contains all the nerves you’ll need to stimulate and where you, as bottom, can really ‘shine’ with a bit of practice.

It is also where a good ‘top’ gets to show off. Not remotely sorry to say that a top who has no clue how the pipes work is a plumber without a wrench. He can just hammer around and hope he fixes the problem but most likely will only knock something loose and make a mess.

#3 PFE. Pelvic. Floor. Exercises. repeat this mantra. Learn them. Do them. They are so easy you have no excuse and I advise doing research on your own (also check my blogspot) for what the benefits are for men. Kinda important stuff. Like not needing chemical assistance (viagra etc) to enjoy a healthy sex life.

I advocate PFE as a sexual practice because it teaches you micro-muscle control which is the “gold star” skill that can blow someone’s mind.

As always: Don’t just accept my word, do the footwork and read. Here’s the Mayo Clinic on the subject. https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/mens-health/in-depth/kegel-exercises-for-men/art-20045074

#4 Hitting the button and ringing the bell.
Note the image demonstrating DEPTH to target. The prostate isn’t at the door, you have to get in to really stroke it and I do say STROKE. Jabbing it’s not as effective but a slow stroke in a repeated motion (circular or back and forth) builds a ‘charge’ in the system. It’s a lot like that in my experience.

A poke may shock the system but if you slowly build up the charge pleasure is slower, yes, but as a Top it puts the whole system at your command. This is where you get to show off and your reward is a purring bottom. For a thousand reasons, a primed engine RUNS BETTER. learn this and use it. 

The next few images are meant to illustrate the ‘gravity’ of the situation. The position you choose to stimulate in has a strong effect on where the thing is. It is attached and always in the same general area but in certain positions it is much easier to stimulate.
Here we see “Cowboy style”

Also known as the squat, this position places the prostate in a mutually advantageous position BUT you have to know where your back/pelvis must be angled toward to keep it in line. It may be providing extra stimulation for the top but if the bottom’s bottom isn’t in the right angular position it drastically reduces their pleasure and yours. The difference between being in position and not is massive in terms of pleasure and how well you stimulate that little button.

 Finally we come to the infamous four legged shuffle position:
Doggie Style. 

 

Gravity keeps the button lower so keeping your lower back positioned to not only maximize the ease of penetration but also keeping your prostate in line with the stroke is very important.
Sadly the images for on your back aren’t ‘safe enough’ but if you consider the things I’ve said here you understand what gravity would then do in context of doggie (arf) style. Keep your pelvis in a position that maximizes ease and pleasure. Simple enough yes?


Thus concludes your introductory ‘handshake’ lesson with the prostate.